


Make Yourself

by BurningBroadripple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Ballet, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Orchestra, Co-workers, Derogatory Language, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eren Is a Little Shit, Ereri Big Bang 2018, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Levi Is Bad At Feelings, M/M, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, One Night Stands, Slow Burn, Time Skips, Unhealthy Relationships, Verbal Abuse, because college, ebb2k17
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-02-22 10:11:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13164750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningBroadripple/pseuds/BurningBroadripple
Summary: Levi is a ballet dancer with a rough past - Eren is a classical musician from a family of wealth and prosperity. They find themselves attending the same prestigious arts college, where misunderstandings and bad timing lead the two to part on bad terms.Years later their careers bring them together again in Russia for a Christmas performance of the Nutcracker Suite. They’ve both changed a lot, but there’s still that old spark. While Eren is trying to decide if his current relationship is worth saving, Levi is coming to terms with the sacrifices he's made for his dreams and the realization that Eren may be the one that got away.They’re both trying to navigate through their careers and the ups and downs that real life brings, both unsure of what the future holds for them. They may just find what they’re looking for in each other.





	1. Levi

**Author's Note:**

> Hello lovely Ereri fam! This is my modern day AU for the Ereri big bang. PLEASE NOTE THE TAGS!! There are a lot of unhealthy relationships in this story (not main pair) and physical and verbal abuse occurs in parnts. 
> 
> MASSIVE shout out to [ Cloudflowerkami ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CloudFlower) for her insight into all things bass and classical music related, as well as her error spotting and beta reading. This fic would not exist in its current form without her.
> 
> There are also two pieces of AWESOME art by [ Cloudflowerkami ](https://cloudflowerkami.tumblr.com) for this piece. You can find them on tumblr [here](https://cloudflowerkami.tumblr.com/post/170199502295/i-drew-this-cover-and-mini-comic-for).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~Act I ~
> 
> Stohess - summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The majority of this chapter is a flashback, so please let me know if there is any confusion.

**Stohess - present day**

The bus lurches to a sudden stop when the light changes, catching Levi off guard and launching him off of his seat. He’s able to react quickly and regain his balance before making contact with the back of the old cracked plastic seat in front of him, but it’s not as graceful of a performance as he’d have liked. He looks around to make sure no one else saw the incident before slinking back into the seat, pulling his hoodie up over his head to hide his cheeks flushed with embarrassment. He lets his head lean into the window beside him, looks out the dirty glass to take in the view.

Not that there’s much to look at in this part of town: there’s a group of men on the sidewalk, talking about nothing and everything. Two elderly men sit in pop up chairs while the others stand around. They all look like they’re waiting for something, but Levi knows as well as they do that there’s nothing for them to wait for. Most of them likely don’t have jobs, at least not the kind with steady hours or legal wages. A few may have spouses, most probably have kids somewhere with someone, but none of them have a family, not the kind on Christmas cards and billboards. They all have someplace they crash, a room they keep their few belongings in, but none of them have a home, not like the ones in magazines and tv shows. So every day they come out to the pavement and keep each other company, escape their solitude for a few hours to stand around and feel like a part of something.

The light finally changes and the bus rolls on, down the main strip of the Stohess, the neighborhood Levi called home. The buildings are mostly decrepit on this stretch, half occupied and covered in years of graffiti and dirt. A few have fallen into such disrepair that all the paying tenants have moved out, and all the squatters have taken up residence in their place.

There are a few shirtless kids running around in the water pouring out of a hose, snot-nosed and empty-bellied, doing whatever they can to escape the sweltering summer sun and their bleak lives. Levi remembers all too well trying to find an escape from Kenny’s shitty little apartment on days like this, how he’d spend all day in Petra’s studio where at least there was AC.

He’s always known that he owes a lot to Petra, that he wouldn’t be where he is right now without her, not a chance in hell. So he’s definitely happy to see her and he’s looking forward to showing her everything he’s learned, but he really wishes it was under better fucking circumstances. The bus takes a sharp turn and he slides into the side wall, slams his right leg and the boot around it against the hard metal shell and brings the reason he’s here right back to the forefront of his consciousness. He reaches instinctively for his ankle, holds it tight even though the walking boot keeps his hands from adding any real pressure.

He’s always taken care of himself, always stretched and wrapped when he needed to. He didn’t even realize something was wrong until that one practice when he landed just the same as he always had, only to find himself on the floor gripping his foot, trying desperately to stop the pain shooting through it.

_ “A stress fracture.”  _ the doctor had told him.

_ “They crept up on you over time.”  _ he’d said.

_ “You’re lucky it isn’t worse, you just need to take a couple months off.”  _ he’d guaranteed.

Only Levi didn’t have a couple months - his scholarship had covered only the basic four years. So now instead of graduating and moving on to join a company like he was supposed to, he’d be spending his summer recuperating at home before going back in the fall for an extra semester he couldn’t really afford. The entire situation sucked, but at least with Kenny six feet under he wouldn’t have to worry about running into him, and living with Petra at the studio would be fine. Hell, the place had always been his home, even before the old man croaked...

* * *

 

**Stohess, 7 years prior**

“Watch this one man.” The young teen stepped to the side, took a deep breath in before running forward and leaping into the air, throwing his legs into a perfectly level split before snapping his heels back together and landing gracefully.

“That’s nothing dude, I’ve been practicing my double cabriole!” The taller boy took his turn then, ran and jumped into the air, flew with legs pointed long, clicked his heels together twice before landing on one knee and striking his final pose.

“Wow Matt, that was amazing! I hope I can do that one day.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll be able to Connor, you just have to keep practicing. What about you Levi, wanna try a jump?” Levi was standing awkwardly to the side, watching the others practice in the lot behind their studio. He’d often walk here with them before heading the rest of the way to Kenny’s apartment on his own. He enjoyed watching them try their best leaps and spins, loved the way they looked like they were flying across the dirty asphalt, like they had found a way to get out of this dump, even for just a few brief seconds.

“Nah you guys know Kenny wouldn’t pay for me to go to ballet classes. I have been practicing this cool flip trick I saw in a martial arts movie though!”

Levi stepped back, got a long-running start before jumping into the air, right leg pointed, left leg tucked, kicked as high as he could before wrapping his leg up and over his body, spinning in mid-air, then landing nimbly couched down on hands and feet. It wasn’t perfect or polished, but his height was remarkable and his form wasn’t too far off. It was definitely too rough and it lacked the aplomb of a trained dancer, but the trick took skill and athleticism the others would never be able to match.

“What the hell Levi, that was almost a Revoltade 540!”

“Is that a good thing?”

“It’s super difficult, that’s an amazing thing!”

“I agree.” The teens turned around surprised to find a young woman standing behind them, a smirk across her face. Her red hair was tied up in a messy bun and she wore a simple black leotard covered with a forest green skirt and matching leg warmers.

Connor grabbed Levi’s arm and lead him excitedly over to meet their teacher. “Hi Miss Petra, this is our friend Levi. He’s great at jumps!”

Petra greeted him with a soft smile and small nod. “I saw that. So Levi, are you interested in joining our little studio here?”

“I can’t, my uncle wouldn’t give me money for it.”

“Well, what if I said you could pay for it yourself by helping me out around here? Sweeping up the studios after classes, wiping down the mirrors, mopping the floors. What do you say?”

“I don’t know miss, I don’t think I’d be good at it.”

“Well why don’t you come join us today, on the house, and if you enjoy yourself we can go from there, okay?”

“Alright, but just one for free. And if I like it then I’ll stay after and sweep. Deal?”

“Deal kid.”

True to his word Levi had stayed after class that day and swept up the studio. The next day he showed up after school, this time before class to help mop and wipe down the mirrors and he left with a pair of ballet slippers and socks. Every day after that he’d go to the studio straight after school, do whatever task he deemed needed to be done to get the place up to par, and every day Petra would allow him to join the class, often sending him home with dance clothes or wraps for his feet and ankles, things he’d never be able to ask Kenny for. Eventually he caught on of course, cornered Levi in his room and demanded to know why he was stealing all this useless dance crap. Levi had called Petra on the verge of tears, begged and pleaded with her to tell his uncle that he’d worked for it, that it belonged to him.

Kenny wasn't happy to learn that Levi had taken up ballet of all things, but as long as it didn’t cost him any money and Levi still did as he was told he allowed it to continue, even turned a blind eye when Levi would sneak in some mornings after sleeping on Petra’s couch. One less thing for Kenny to deal with after all. 

And that’s how it went over the next couple years of high school - Levi would spend his free time at the studio dancing or working, usually eating and sleeping at Petra’s place too. He’d come home every few days to check in and get fresh clothes, but it was more a formality than anything. Kenny still needed Levi to do odd jobs he was too lazy and out of shape for though, and he made sure to remind Levi of it when he needed to.

“Levi get your scrawny ass in here and help me out with this pipe.”

“I’m busy Kenny, I gotta practice this or Petra’s gonna replace me.”

“We both know she isn’t gonna do shit. She spoils your ass rotten, you could show up in a garbage bag and do the Charleston and she’d still make you the lead. Now get in here boy, I need you to crawl under the sink and take a look. Might as well do something to earn your keep.”

He wants to ask what keep it is he needs to earn, since most of his meals are eaten at Petra’s and he stays there half the time. If anything, he owes Petra the help, not Kenny. He wants to tell him that he can fuck right off since they both know he only took Levi in for the government check that came with him. He really wants to tell him that he’d be a hell of a lot better off on his own, that Kenny is the dead weight around here not him, that he’s never been anything more than a drunk con man.  He keeps those thoughts to himself though, knows first hand how dangerous they can be when his anger overwhelms him and they manifest into words. Last time that happened he got real intimate with the backseat of a cop car and he’d definitely like not to repeat that particular experience.

His phone vibrates and he snatches it up expecting a text from Petra. After all, she was the one that paid for the phone and had given it to him so she could get a hold of him without waiting for him to get home and check the messages on Kenny’s old recorder.

He’s surprised instead to find a message from Furlan.

**FC: Hey Lee, you wanna come hang for a bit? Got the place to myself. Thought we could pick up where we left off last time ;)**

He reluctantly trades his ballet slippers for trainers and heads downstairs to appease Kenny. The fewer questions he asks when he tries to leave later the better.

xXxXxXx

Levi pulls the spare key out from under the planter and lets himself into the old house without a second thought. He heads up the stairs, the ones he’s climbed hundreds of times before, only this time there’s something in the back of his mind that tells him things have changed between him and Furlan. They’d known each other for years now - he was the first kid he met on the block when Levi’s mom had passed and he’d been shipped off to Kenny’s place. Only Furlan had always had a steady stream of girlfriends and Levi had always known he was 100% exclusively interested in other men, so the idea that their friendship would take a turn for the more intimate never crossed his mind. At least that’s how it had been until last week.

When he reaches the landing, Levi takes a minute to calm his nerves and quiet his breath before walking into the apartment like everything was normal. He pushes the door open to find Furlan sitting on the couch, half eaten pizza box on the coffee table. He’s got his gaming headset on and he’s playing some racing game, badly if the slew of curses pouring out of his mouth are any indication. As soon as he notices Levi walk in, he says a curt goodbye and logs off. Levi can already tell things are off, because normally Furlan would finish his game and Levi would sit down on the couch next to him doing his own thing.

He flops down onto the other half of the couch, barely gets a hello out before Furlan turns towards him, that devious smile plastered on his face. Levi was used to seeing it when they were fucked up and about to do something stupid, like that time they stole a car and went on a joy ride, or the time they cut down a tree in the town square. There’s something else to it now though, something heated, and Levi’s pretty sure last week’s stoned make out session was just the tipping point for something else. Levi turns to face him, leans back against the arm of the beat up old sofa. Furlan must take it as an invitation, because he’s moving his torso towards him and he’s slinking along the couch like a jungle cat corning his prey. Despite the show of dominance he’s putting on, Levi knows he could bail at any minute, that he could tell Furlan he isn’t interested and he’d back off. Only Levi has always found Furlan attractive, and he’s a few years too late to be worried about protecting his virginal innocence, so the only reason he might want to bail is to preserve their friendship. The thing is though, Levi has never been the type to need to people, to depend on others. Sure he likes his company enough and they have fun getting blazed together, but he isn’t his confidant or his source of support. The only person in his life still alive that comes close to that is Petra, so when he really thinks about it, there isn’t some important friendship to protect. He also hasn’t gotten laid in a few months and he doesn’t have anyone on his radar right now, so he’s not exactly in a position to play hard to get.

He weighs his options once more time before grabbing Furlan by the shirt and pulling him the rest of the way on top of himself.

xXxXxXx

Levi takes another rip off the bong on the table while Furlan looks among the pile of their discarded clothes for his cell phone that won’t stop ringing. When he finally finds it, he lets out a mumbled “What?” but that’s all of the conversation Levi hears before his mind gets hazy and the desire to nap overwhelms him, convinces him to settle back into the couch and pull the old afghan down to cover himself.

“Hey Lee, you okay man.” Furlan’s voice is close - too close - and as much as the drugs in his body are telling him he wants affection, his mind is screaming at him not to get caught up or act like this is anything more than a quick fuck between friends.

“Mhmm, just stoned and sleepy. Little sore too. Gonna nap a bit. Wake me by six.” He just needs a little sleep to sober up, then he can get out of here and they can go back to pretending like they’re just bros. Bros who made out and now fucked, but still just bros.

“Well as great as the sex was, and as much as I like the idea of you naked in my place, I got a guy coming over to buy and we’re gonna need the room.” His voice is honey sweet but Levi knows it’s fake, can hear every well-rehearsed line dripping with insincerity, knows he’s probably said the same thing to any number of chicks before.

“Fuck fine, just lemme get my shit together.” Levi throws the afghan off and does his best to sort through their things and find his half. He’s got his boxers on and has just found his pants when there’s a knock on the door. Furlan ushers him into the bedroom with an unceremonious shove and slams the door behind him before heading over to let the client in.

Mike gives Furlan his usual nod before walking in. He stops a few feet short of the couch though, and Furlan knows something's up when he lifts his head and sniffs the air.

“So man, what are you doing today, besides  _ it _ .” There’s a hint of laughter in his voice, and Furlan knows he’s been found out, doesn’t even bother trying to hide it.

“Yeah well I was just wrapping up a fun romp when you called, but business is business.” And fuck him for sounding so sincere - he could have at least pretended it mattered to him, that  _ Levi  _ mattered to him more than getting his dick wet.

“I bet she was a hot little thing. You always get the best pieces of ass.” Levi finally gets his pants on but realizes in the shuffle he must have dropped his shirt. Part of him wants to stomp out and take it, but he decides to give Furlan once last chance to come clean.

“Yeah man, definitely a hot piece of ass. Too bad your ugly mug scared her off. Anyway, let’s get down to it.”

Furlan could have easily just avoided the gender-specific pronoun, could have left it ambiguous and saved Levi’s pride, but instead he decided to straight up lie. Clearly, he’s more worried about protecting his rep than acknowledging Levi and the fact he just let him hit it. If Furlan isn’t going to appreciate him, Levi decides, then there’s no reason to stick around and cover for his sorry ass.

He throws open the bedroom door and struts out with an air of cold indifference, half runway model, half dollar Tuesday stripper. He bends down and grabs his shirt, makes sure to give Furlan and this dude a great look at his ass, before standing up and continuing towards them to grab his shoes. He’s almost there when he finally bothers to look up. The first thing he notices is the look of utter mortification on Furlan’s stupid face. The second is the look of shock and surprise on the other dude’s face, which quickly morphs into recognition. Levi, in retrospect, really fucking wishes he had stayed in the bedroom.

Mike’s eyes dart back and forth between Levi and Furlan for what feels like an eternity before he finally turns back to Furlan with that stupid Cheshire cat smile plastered across his face.

“You’re fucking Levi now? I fucked Levi last summer! We're Eskimo brothers!” He lifts a hand in the air in front of himself, waits for Furlan to return the gesture. Only Furlan can’t believe that this is happening, and before his brain catches up with Mike’s confession, Levi has bridged the gap between them and placed himself in front of Mike instead.

He punches him square in the nose -  _ hard _ . There’s a sickening split that cuts through the room like a knife, reverberates off every wall. His blood is bright red as it rushes down his face, through the fingers covering his nose, as it drops down onto Furlan’s coffee table.

Levi barely blinks an eye before turning to leave, his shirt and shoes still clutched in his other hand.

xXxXxXx

He gives Furlan the silent treatment for a few weeks, but eventually his libido wins out and he decides to let him make it up to him. And oh boy, does he make it up to him. He makes it up to him every day after school. He makes it up to him in the mornings before class. He makes it up to him on the couch, on the counter, on the bed. They’re half naked playing video games after one romp where they had particularly taken advantage of the flexibility ballet had granted Levi when he gets a call on his cell. The only people who have that number are Furlan and Petra, and by process of elimination, he knows it must be the later. She rarely calls him unless it’s important, so he tosses the controller and snatches it up before it sends her to voicemail.

“Hey Petra, what’s up?” The silence drags on between them, and at first Levi thinks maybe he’d missed the call after all, but he can hear shuffling on the line and the distinct sound of Petra taking a deep breath. The sound puts him on edge, frays the tips of his nerves.

“Hey Levi, sorry to call on your off day, but I’d like you to come to the studio this afternoon if you have some time. I want to talk to you about something.” She sounds so fucking earnest that Levi can’t help but think of at least a hundred different, equally terrible things she may want to talk to him about. Maybe she’s kicking him out of her place, or worse out of the studio. Maybe she never wants to see him again. He tries desperately not to let his thoughts spiral out of control, but he’s always been obsessive and he can’t help catastrophizing. He barely makes out a choked “I’ll be there in twenty.” before he hangs up the call and gathers his stuff up. He’s running out the door towards her studio before Furlan can even ask why.

He’s a huffing, anxious mess by the time he makes it to her place, and he realizes frustratedly that Petra has a class of 8-10s that isn’t over for another fifteen minutes. He goes into the locker room and changes into his dance clothes, spends the rest of the time stretching and warming up like he’s about to dance for his life. Whatever she says, he knows he can prove her wrong, that he can show her how much this means to him if she just gives him a chance.

When Petra finally sees the last girl out and locks the door behind her, she heads back to the smaller practice room she knows he must be in.

“Hey kid. Everything okay?” She crosses her arms and leans against the door jam, being sure not to intrude into his practice space.

He wants to yell at her because no, obviously everything is not fucking okay, and clearly she’s the source of his current existential crisis. Only he doesn’t want to be like that to her, not ever, so instead he gathers all of his strength and calms his nerves enough to sit down in front of her.

“That depends. What did you want to talk about?” He places his hands in his lap, looks everywhere but at Petra, stares at the pale pink wall and studies it like it’s a work of fine art.

“Well nothing as bad as you seem to think. I would have told you more on the phone but you sort of didn’t let me. Anyway, you’re here now so I can tell you in person.” She walks into the room then, joins him seated on the floor. Despite being in her thirties, Petra still moves as gracefully as she did in her touring days, and she makes the act of lowering herself to the floor and crossing her legs just as elegant and precise as any solo she’s performed.

“I got a call today from a colleague at Sina Conservatory of Music and the Arts. It’s an amazing university, and they only take the most promising dancers. She asked if I had any pupils that I wanted to bring to audition this year, and I thought that if you wanted to go, I’d take you.” Her voice is calm and patient, no hint of expectation. It’s definitely not what Levi had expected her to say, and he knows she’s going out on a limb for him with this offer, but he can’t help but have some concerns. First off, he’s never been great with the high society crowd, and while he’s a good dancer, he isn’t sure he’s a great one. There’s also the obvious issue of money, of which he has none, so he starts with that one.

“Could I afford that place?” Petra doesn’t drop the poker face, responds like she’d expected him to ask that.

“No, it’s private and mostly attended by very wealthy students or those lucky enough to have wealthy patrons. However, they do offer a scholarship, and you certainly meet the minimum criteria for qualifying. You’d still have to audition first, but if you get it, then you could apply for that as well. I think you’d have a really good shot at it.”

It’s not an easy answer, but it’s an honest one, and Levi is infinitely more appreciative of that. He thinks it over for a few minutes, decides it can’t hurt to at least audition for it.

“When is it? Where is it?”

Petra tries to hide the gleam in her eyes but Levi sees it, can tell she’s excited that he’s responding so positively instead of blowing the opportunity off like he would have in the past. Everyone grows up eventually, maybe this was just the kick in the ass Levi needed.

“One month at the university over in Sina. It’s a couple hours drive but I’ll take you myself and I’ll be right there in the audience. It’s your choice Levi, I won’t be upset one way or the other. So what do you say?”

He’s still not sure if this is the right choice, if he’s ready to set himself up for what will likely be a huge failure. But he also knows this may be his only shot, his one chance to make a life out of the only thing he loves. He knows he couldn’t do this alone, but for the first time he doesn’t have to.

“Okay, I trust you. What do I need to do to get ready?”

xXxXxXx

The next few weeks are a whirlwind of school, choreography, and training. Some days it’s all too much, and he can’t tell his coupes jetes from his grand pirouette, accidentally substitutes an attitude for an arabesque. The Sleeping Beauty prince variation Petra has chosen is by far the most difficult piece he’s attempted, but he knows he has to work twice as hard as those with connections who are auditioning so he fights through the cabrioles, the grands jetés. 

He rarely goes home or sees Furlan, spends every night late in the studio before heading upstairs and crashing on Petra’s couch, only to wake up the next day and do it all over again. His feet are bloody and blistered, his thighs feel like jelly when he walks and his joints ache against the strain but he he knows it will all be worth it when he gets his acceptance letter, his ticket to his independence. Levi’s never really thought too much about his future, but for the first time in his life he really wants something, and he’s not going to give it up without a fight.

When he and Petra arrive for his audition, he’s immediately taken back by the volume of other students also vying for the same spot. It would be easy to dismiss them and boast his own talent, but he knows that would be a disservice to himself. A quick look around convinces him these kids are good, really fucking good, and they’ve probably been trained most of their life. He has what they don’t though - desperation. These kids all seem to want a place in the school, but for him it’s all or nothing, nearly life and death. If he doesn’t get this opportunity then he’s never going to get out of this slum. For Levi, failure isn’t an option, and that’s all the motivation he needs.

He spends his time waiting going through stretches and marking out his routine. Petra handles all the paperwork for him, only interrupting him to give him some lunch and his time slot. He doesn’t say anything, but they both know he couldn’t do this without her, appreciates her more than words can convey. When his time is finally called she walks silently with him to the door, stops just outside and gives him a hug and a pinch on the cheek for good luck before shoving him inside. 

He’d expected a large auditorium, judges in the front row, all lights on him. Maybe he’s watched Save the Last Dance one too many times because the room he walks into is a small studio, and instead of a stage there’s just the dance floor before him. One thing that is what he expected though is the judges - two women and one man seated at a fold up table, all wearing neutral colored suits and blank expressions. They don’t say anything to him at first, just look him up and down then write small quick notes to themselves. He wants to know what they could possible be judging him on since he hasn’t even opened his mouth let alone started to dance, but Petra had warned him the audition started the moment he walked in and now he does his best to stand taller, hold himself straighter, calm his nerves as best he can. He must have passed the first hurdle, because after a few minutes of silence they eventually address him.

“Levi Ackerman?”

“Yes sir.”

“ I see hear you’re auditioning for the dance department with ballet listed as your specialization, is that correct?”

“Yes sir.”

“Good. And what have you prepared to dance for us today?”

“The Sleeping Beauty Price Variation, sir.”

“Well now, that is quiet a difficult piece. Surely you won’t be performing it in its entirety?”

“It is a very difficult piece, but with all due respect sir, I’m quite prepared to perform it to completion.”

“Very well Mr. Ackerman, let’s hope that your dancing matches that determination and confidence.”

The music flows into the room, horns blare as the music announces his entrance with a flourish. His first grapevine is shaky, and his double cabriole doesn’t get quite as much height as he’d like, but his landing position is flawless and it gives him a chance to shake out the last of his nerves before moving into his second sequence, this time with more confidence. His footwork is quicker, his leap is higher, his feet snap together sharper, his landing is smoother. By the third attempt he’s no longer thinking of the steps consciously, instead letting the music flow and his muscle memory take over. The fourth is near perfect.

He moves to the center, stands en face before performing a perfect double tour.  A quick pique turn, followed by a second double tour brings him one step closer - two more and a spin get him to the end of the first part. He doesn’t make eye contact with the judges, too afraid to see their expressions. Instead he focuses his attention just over their heads onto a poster on the wall behind them, then transitions into the second section. He knows this portion is all about technique, and there’s very little artistry to cover any mistakes. He moves through the pas de cheval à la seconde and a sous-tenu preparation with precision - toes perfectly pointed, legs straight, posture strong. If he were wealthy or already sponsored he would have gladly stopped there, but this is a fight to the end and he has an entire section straight out of hell left to perform. His thighs shake with the effort, and his muscles strain to form the shapes he demands. As if the menage wasn’t the longest and most difficult he’d ever attempted, full of impossibly fast spins and grand jumps, he still has to chaîné de côté and finish in fifth position en face. When he strikes his final pose he finally allows himself to make eye contact, stares straight into the eyes of the male judge, does his best to hide his heaving chest and his trembling thighs. He refuses to smile, too afraid it would form a crack in his carefully constructed persona. Instead he keeps his lips in a thin line, never breaks his gaze. Eventually the judge looks away first, an unspoken admission of Levi’s dominance in the moment.

“Thank you Mr. Ackerman. I am not a man that often eats his words, but I believe you just served them to me on a very beautiful platter.”

The response is not at all what he was expected, and it finally causes him to drop his indifferent facade, his anxiety and desperation taking shape on his face in its place. 

“Sir?” The question is shaky, fear etched into every letter. He can’t tell if the dude is complimenting him or fucking with him, and he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing when he knows he’s so close to getting everything he wants.

Thankfully one of the female judges notices his panic and inserts herself into the exchange.

“What Andre is trying to say, Levi, is that we are all very impressed with your audition, even more so knowing that you’ve noted on your application that you’ve only been dancing for three years and would be applying to the scholarship position. Too often we see promising young dancers come in here who’ve been given every opportunity to succeed, but they lack drive and focus. You, on the other hand, have been given very little opportunity, and yet you’ve delivered the best audition of the day so far. Well done Levi, you’ll be hearing from us soon.”

xXxXxXx

A week goes by with no word back. Levi does his best to stay busy with the studio and school and making up for lost time with Furlan, but he knows it’s all just to keep his mind off the audition and his impending results. Despite leaving feeling like he nailed it, there’s still the chance it wasn’t enough and even if he does get accepted, he still has to get the scholarship to actually go. It’s overwhelming, being so close he can taste it but knowing there’s no guarantee until he has that golden ticket in his hands. After cleaning the mirrors for the third time he decides to get some air, texts Furlan that he’s coming over a quickie to destress. 

He’s halfway out the door when Petra calls down to him.

“Levi, can you come here for a minute?”

“I was just about to head over to Furlan’s place for a bit, can it wait?”

“Yes, but I don’t think it should.” He puts his coat back down and heads up the stairs, unsure of what chore Petra is going to request of him. Instead she hands him a plain white envelope. “Here kiddo, best of luck.” She places a hand gently on his shoulder, gives it a hard squeeze before leaving him to read his fate in private.

xXxXxXx

Levi bursts into Furlan’s apartment, a sweaty panting mess. Furlan opens his mouth to question the state his not-boyfriend is in, but Levi beats him to it.

“I got it. I got in.”

Furlan’s jaw remains hung open, his eyes look slowly back and forth and Levi can see the wheels turning in his mind, know the moment when he puts the pieces all together.

“Damn dude. I guess that means you’re gonna leave me and start hanging out with all those prep school kids. You’re gonna be too good for little old me.” His tone is charming but forced, cold indifference and mock offense used to cover his very real fear that Levi’s going to leave and never come back.

“It’s not like that man, I’m not going to forget where I’m from just because I’m going there.”

“Whatever dude, you’re walking into the wasps nest. Pretty soon you’re gonna forget all about us.” Furlan moves back to the center of the living room, drops himself onto the couch. He crosses his arms, looks away from where Levi is standing in the doorway.

Levi closes the door behind him before walking towards the other teen. He carefully places one hand on each side of his head, grips the back of the couch before setting one knee on either side of his waist and settling down into his lap. He knows he’s playing dirty, but even though they both know they’re a toxic pair he still loves the guy and can’t stand the idea of him moping around about this, decides instead to make it very apparent that he’s still here  _ now. _

“Fuck off Furlan, I’m not like that. I’m not too good for you. I’m not gonna forget where I’m from and I’m not gonna forget you.” 

It seems to work, because Furlan finally relaxes, ends his pity party and grabs Levi’s waste with a tight grip, pulls him down into his lap harder.

“Damn right you’re not. Now why don’t you show me just how bad you can be babe.”

And that’s all it takes, that crooked smile, that golden tongue saying all the right things to get him hot and bothered in the best way. His hand scratching through Levi’s tangled locks, giving a light tug at the end to lift his eyes up to meet his own. Nah, he’s not going to forget Furlan, couldn’t forget him even if he wanted to. It’s like they say - the Devil takes care of his own. And Furlan, well he’s not evil, but he sure as hell ain’t no angel either, and he’s definitely taken care of Levi these past few years.

Leaving here is going to be a lot harder than he wants to admit.

 


	2. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stohess - summer

**Stohess - present day**

He’s shaken from his memories when the bus lurches to a stop. It takes him a few seconds to take in his surroundings and realize he’s reached the end of the line and his destination. He collects his things, waiting for the only other two riders left - an elderly couple - to get down the four steps to the door. He watches the husband support his wife on the way down, moving her walker one step at a time. Watching the woman move is painful, and he has to look away until they’re gone. The whole scene just reminds him of his own immobility and the crutches he really should be using right now. The doctor didn’t seem to understand why Levi had refused them so violently, why he’d cursed and screamed and stormed out without a second glance. The truth is Levi wasn’t angry, he was scared.

See Levi isn’t afraid of many things, but losing his ability to dance is at the top of his list. The second he can’t move across a room gracefully you can off him right then - he’s no use to anyone at that point. Dancing isn’t just what he does, it’s what he is, and if he can’t move freely then he’d rather not move at all.

He starts to make his way down the block, only ends up getting halfway down before his duffle bag slides around to the wrong side and sets him off balance. By the time he finds himself in front of the old studio window he’s got a bad limp and scowl across his face, neither of which make for a great reunion but it’s just his luck that Petra steps out the door right at that minute. She doesn’t say anything at first, just looks him up and down, her eyes taking in every detail. They widen when she notices the boot on his foot, but she’s quick to keep her shock from spreading any further across her features. Eventually, she turns around and heads back inside, stopping in the entryway to hold the door open and gesture for Levi to follow.

In retrospect, he probably should have told her what happened, should have warned her he’d be coming back and needing a place to crash. He just assumed he’d always have a place on her couch, but now he wonders if maybe someone else has taken up residence there. He’s thankful to find the place empty and relatively unchanged when he finally makes his way up stairs - is even more grateful when he sees his things were still just as he left them.

He sets his few belongings down, making sure not to let them clutter the room. Petra heads to the kitchen, starts a pot of tea. Usually, she would have cracked by now and said something, but Levi can tell that she’s trying desperately to let him broach the subject, to explain his early return instead of forcing it out of him. He’s just about to give in and tell her everything when she sits down beside him, places a cup of tea in front of each of them and casually says, “So what’s new Captain, long time no see?”

“Tch, I told you not to call me that silly nickname Petra. We both know you’ve always been the one running the show.” He reaches for his tea then, takes a sip and uses the cup to deliberately hide his smile. If anyone else gave him a nickname he’d be pissed, but he owes Petra everything - the least he can do is indulge her pet name.

“Maybe, but even at my peak I couldn’t dance like you can. You’ll be principal before you know it.” It’s said lightly, but he can hear the caution in her words, the unease hiding just below the surface.

“Yeah well last time I checked they don’t make cripples principal dancers.” It’s a cruel thing to say, especially since she’s still in the dark to the extents of his injury, but it’s a very real fear for Levi and this is the first time he’s allowed himself to voice it.

“Is it really that bad or are you just worried about the injury not healing right?”

“Doctor said I just needed a few months rest, but I’m still worried. I was supposed to be done with school and in working Russia. They gave me one extension to heal - just one. I have to be ready to pick up where I left when I get back in the Fall, whether my body is ready or not. I can’t lose this opportunity Petra, this is the Grand Russian Ballet.”

“Trust me Levi, I know. I trained in an exchange under Lilia for six months. I’ve never been so happy to get back to Stohess before.”

“You never told me that.”

“That’s because I hated it. I hated her. But you always spoke so highly of her and Erwin and I didn’t want my experience to cloud yours.”

Levi remembers the countless nights he spent staying up until the sun rose watching videos on youtube of the ballet company. Sure there were plenty of great companies, but there was no one calling the shots quite like Lilia. She was stern and cold, but she got results, and that was all that mattered to Levi. He knew she could take him where he wanted to go, he just had to get to her.

“The truth of it is I never wanted it as badly as you do, as badly as I needed to to make all the bullshit they put dancers through worth it. You’re different though, you won’t break under the pressure like I did. You’ll rise above it, just like you did your mom’s passing and moving here and getting stuck with Kenny.”

“Shit Petra, you can’t say sappy stuff like that. You’re gonna get me emotional.”

“Well then brace yourself ‘cause I’m not done yet. I’m really proud of you Levi, don’t let this get you down. You’ll heal up just fine this summer and be back dancing before the leaves change.”

“If you say so.”

“I do. Now quit sulking and make yourself useful, those mirrors downstairs aren’t going to wipe themselves down.”

She takes their empty cups to the sink, busying herself with washing them. A light rinse would do just fine, but she knows Levi will need the extra time to get down the stairs with his crutches and she doesn’t want to interfere. He may be injured, but she doubts his pride is going to let him ask for help getting around. By the time the cups are dried and put away, she turns to find Levi gone. She moves across the room quietly, careful not to step on the boards she knows will creak, and allows herself a quick peek out the door, just long enough to see Levi halfway down the steps. She decides to wait and follow down a few minutes later to help with the evening chores, happy to see Levi already working on the polishing the first studio’s mirrors. She does her best to hide it, but she really can’t help smile at the sight. Levi may be frustrated with his situation, but he hasn’t given up yet.

An hour later, he slumps against the freshly cleaned glass, lets his head fall into his hands, traces the outside of his eyelids with the palm of hands, tries to rub away the tension he feels collecting there. He loves Petra, and he knows she meant everything she said, but she can’t see the future any more than he can and there’s still a very real chance he won’t be able to dance the same again. He thinks back to high school, all the times he sat slumped against these same mirrors, frustrated by his inability to land a certain jump or to get a new sequence in time. He tries to remember what he did then to feel better, to raise his confidence.

All too quickly he’s overcome with the memory of Furlan stopping by late at night, watching him dance a new piece, or rubbing his feet when they ached, or pounding into him while Levi watched their bodies joining in the mirrors around them. He pulls up his phone, scrolls through the contact list until his thumb hovers over the familiar name. He knows he should delete the number, remove his name from his mouth, wipe his face from his memory. He knows he should go to bed and spend the rest of the summer focused on physical therapy, rest, and flexibility. He should definitely not complicate things by adding sex with an ex into the mix.

He knows all of this, but he also knows that no one has ever made him feel better about himself than Furlan, so he texts him anyway.

“I’m heading up, you coming?”

“In a bit. Gonna work on some stuff down here. Maybe go catch up with some friends.” Levi tries to make it sound nonchalant, but he avoids Petra’s gaze anyway, sure she’d know just what friend he had in mind the second their eyes met.

“Alright, you’re a grown man, you don’t have to check in with me but if you aren’t coming home shoot me a text.”

“Mkay. Night Petra.”

“Night. Make good choices.”

It’s meant as a light-hearted jab, but it resonates deeper than Levi expected. Maybe it’s because he knows he’s about to make a bad one, or maybe it’s because he doesn’t know the difference anymore. Life has always been different shades of gray for him, and Furlan, well he’s just one more muddled mess between black and white, good and bad. Levi weighs the options in his head, makes a mental list of the pros and cons, tries to balance every negative attribute for a positive one.

In the end, he decides to focus on how great he is in bed and leave the questionable moral implications of that as tomorrow Levi’s problem.

xXxXxXx

He’s surprised how quickly Furlan responds, half expected him just to ignore the text completely given the lack of contact over the last four years. He also realized a bit too late that it was possible Furlan didn’t live here anymore or had a serious girlfriend. Honestly he didn’t know much about the guy anymore since they’d inevitably fallen out of contact when Levi left and neither of them were the type to have a lot of social media accounts. He quickly finds out that there isn’t much to catch up on - Furlan still lives in his Grandma’s place, only now that she’s passed it’s just his place. He also apparently is still single and selling drugs to make money, but Levi decides it’s worth going over anyway, knows he could always bail out if he needs to. He expects them to talk for a while, or maybe go grab a drink at a bar, but instead they just get high together on that same shitty couch, watch some stupid shit on TV they're not really even paying attention to because that's not why Levi came and they both know it.

“How are you feeling babe? I put some hash oil in with that last bowl - a special treat for my favorite guy.”

“It’s good man. Real good.”

“Nice. I made it myself actually, so I’ll give you a vile to take home if you want.”

“Yeah sure Fur, sounds good. It’s getting late though.”

”You're gonna stay right gorgeous?”

“Dunno. Do you want me to?” He tries to keep his tone flat, does his best to hide his insecurity. The truth is he wants Furland to want him to stay, misses feeling like he matters to someone.

“Of course I do Lee, it’s not everyday your first love comes back to you.”

Levi tries to hide the smile that tugs at the corners of his lips, desperately wants to suppress the ache in his chest, the heat in his stomach. He hates needing other people, hates the way others’ opinions of him can affect his mood so deeply, can shape his own feelings about himself. He’s done a damn good job avoiding relationships through college, usually choosing his solitude and a wank over having to deal with another person to get his intimate desires quenched. Sure there were hookups here and there in times of great desperation, but they never stayed the night, let alone got to know Levi beyond the few moans and thrusts shared under blankets in darkly lit dorm rooms. But Furlan always had a way of getting in deeper, of making his walls cave in, breaking down his barriers, filling him with those damn fuzzy feelings that make him think to let someone see more of him - all of him - every once in awhile isn’t so bad.

Sure he’s a dick, and Levi knows he doesn’t want more from him than a good fuck, but Levi isn’t innocent in all this either. The truth is Levi knows that Furlan isn’t going anywhere in life, is probably going to spend the rest of his twenties and thirties on this same dingy couch selling weed. Levi knows that Furlan peaked in High School, that he’s on his way down while Levi will always be the one that got out of this hell hole, the one who made something of himself. He loves the way being with Furlan makes him feel special, loves the way being with Furlan makes him feel so much better about himself. Sure, it’s a fucked up lie, and they both know that they’re using each other for their own means. Furlan doesn’t love him, and he definitely doesn’t love Furlan -  but Levi gives into the farce, lets himself have this even if it’s just for a night. He throws his head back, lets out a deep sigh before pulling his shirt over his head, dropping to his knees and crawling towards the other man.

xXxXxXx

Levi rolls over, let’s his breathing even out. He stays there for what feels like just minutes but must be longer because he can feel Furlan getting restless, can tell he’s overstaying his welcome now that they’ve both gotten off. He really wants to pretend just a bit more though, so he pulls the discarded blanket up off the floor, drapes it over himself. Right on queue Furlan places a hand in his hip, rolls him over to face him.

“Didn’t know you were planning on staying over.” The words slip out between Furlan’s lips, slow and languid, but there's no invitation there, the sweetness from before turned sour after getting what he really wanted.

“I'm not. Got shit to do tomorrow. Just need a minute.” He puts on his best neutral expression, hides the hint of disappointment as best he can. It’s fucking stupid, because Levi knew what this was, knew the bubble had to burst at some point. He just thought he’d at least have until morning.

The response seems to put Furlan at ease, and he rolls off the bed and heads to the bathroom without a second glance. When he returns Levi is dressed again, just finished pulling on his shoes. He doesn't make eye contact with Furlan, too afraid they’ll betray his feelings, that he’ll see how weak he is right now, how needy. He turns to leave, lets out an “I'll see you later,” over his shoulder as he heads for the door. He doesn’t get more than a few steps before there’s a hand on his shoulder stopping him, Furlan quick to hold him back. “Nah man I'll walk you out.”

Levi nods in agreement, waits for the other to throw on clothes before they both head out to the street below. They get to the gate that separates the brownstone from the street when Furlan stops, leans against the old metal fence covered in chipped paint. He gives him his most charming smile, the one that got Levi into his bed for the first time all those years ago. “I'm glad you came over tonight it was fun.”

Only it wasn't fun for Levi, not anymore at least. He isn’t sure what he was hoping to find here, but it’s obvious to him now it was a mistake. He turns to leave without responding, not trusting himself to say the right thing when his mind is so cluttered. Furlan suddenly looks concerned, and Levi thinks maybe he finally realized it too, how unhealthy their dynamic is. He thinks maybe he’s going to apologize, or maybe he’s going to get mad, but instead, he says, “Oh shit, I forgot that hash oil. Give me a sec.”

Levi doesn’t know why he expected anything else, can’t even be surprised that the drugs were the thing he decided mattered in this moment, “Forget it, I don’t- “

But he’s cut off by Furlan yelling, “Just wait there!” and running back up the steps. He’s back seconds later, the small vile clutched in his hand. He thrusts it into Levi’s jacket pocket before taking up his spot on the fence again.

“Here you go man. Text me?” The request is innocent enough, but Levi knows there’s something else behind it, desperation, hope, fear. He knows because he feels all those things too, knows that despite everything they’re both broken, that they keep coming back to each other because no one else gets them, not really.

“Uh yeah, sure.”

He walks home in silence, turning the small vial over in his fingers. He'd come over expecting they'd hook up, but he thought Furlan would at least want to catch up for a bit, enjoy each others’ company. He was so good with words, knew just what to say to get him like putty in his hands. He'd sounded sincere this time, like he actually missed him, like this time he wanted him to stay. But people didn't change, not really. He was the same guy in the same hood and Levi, it turns out, was the same too. He stashed the drugs in his pocket before limping back to Petra's place.

Maybe it was time to reevaluate his choices.


	3. Eren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trost - Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's world

Sometimes in life there’s nothing you want more than to pack it all up, quit your pursuits and head back home. Sometimes the desire to sleep in your childhood bedroom and smell your Mom’s baking and hear the sound of your Dad’s booming laughter draws you back and welcomes you with open arms. Or at least that’s what Disney and Hallmark always tell you. Only that’s not how it is for Eren - not even close. In fact, he can’t wait for the next few weeks to go by so he can head back to the Conservatory and move on with his life, so he can get the hell out of Trost and focus on his future because his past is not welcoming at all.

When summer break rolled around after his first year of music school ended, all of his classmates were so thrilled to head back to their hometowns, to get a few months of peace and relaxation before another grueling year of classes, rehearsal, and recitals. They spoke of summers spent laying by the pool with nothing to do but soak up the sun, of camping with their families, cooking s'mores over an open flame, of playing video games with their siblings until the sun came up. Eren had never had anything like those experiences - the only outings his family went on together were galas and balls, fundraisers and awards ceremonies. Occasionally they spent a day out on the yacht or one skiing in the mountains, but even those were more business than family fun, and they were driven by his parents' interest never his sister’s or his own.  

It’s hard to allow himself to be frustrated when he knows on paper everything looks great: he’s got your typical prep school elite family unit - dad is a doctor, mom is a classical musician, sister is the state champion kickboxer and already accepted to her top choice med school. And Eren always tried to fit in with them, tried to play the role he was born to play, but there’s a part of him that never felt like he really pulled it off, like it would be best for everyone if they just moved on as a trio and let him be the family’s dirty little secret.

The thing is, Eren’s always felt like he missed out on a real childhood, the kind where you had doting parents that wanted to be a part of your life, wanted to nourish and love you. Part of him wonders what it would have been like to have a Mom that baked his birthday cake or a Dad that helped with his homework. He wonders what it would be like to come home to a mother that made you snacks and asked about your day instead of a nanny that ushered him off to his practices or his friends' houses so his mother could be left alone to practice. He fantasizes about what it would have been like if his father cared about him and his sister as much as he cared about his patients or his colleagues or his friends at the club.

It isn’t that he didn’t have a good life in most ways - he’s aware of his privilege - but people don’t like it when rich kids complain about things, like they don’t have a right to feel sadness because they were born to parents with money. So he kept his mouth shut when he felt isolated, when he hid from his parents fighting. And when the pain became too much he’d slip into Mikasa’s room and climb into bed with her without a sound, knowing she’d try to comfort him the best she could. Then when he got too old to crawl into his sister's bed he found other beds to crawl into, other ways to seek comfort.

So now at 19, he’s right back where he started, hiding out in his backyard, trying desperately to finish his newest song so he can get a video up in time for the weekend viewing frenzy. He really tried to finish practicing the concerto he was working on, but his heart isn’t in it right now. He was too distracted by the lyrics in his head, the ones he’s created himself, the ones he desperately wants to set to the music that he composed. He had to put away his bass and pick up his guitar and let his fingers pluck out the tune he’s been humming all week so he can get it out of his head once and for all. He knows he’ll catch hell for it if someone finds out but he’s so close to finishing, just one verse away and this song is his in a way that Bach and Dittersdorf and Bottesini never will be. He’s just finished playing through the bridge when he hears the familiar back door slider open and he knows in his gut it’s the last person he wants to see even before he makes himself known.

He can smell the Ralph Lauren Polo before he sees him turn the corner, and the crunch of leaves beneath his feet is distinctly his father’s gait: strong, direct, confident. It doesn’t take long for him to realize he’s angry - his eyebrows are upturned, his dark eyes set into sunken slits behind his wireframes, his lips pressed tightly in a hard thin line. The man has always had a presence that made Eren uneasy, that turned him back into that sniveling little boy he’s desperately tried to leave behind.

“Eren, what on earth are you doing out here? It’s only 3 in the afternoon, and I know you weren’t up and practicing before 11 this morning. Just because it’s summer doesn’t mean you should be slacking off. If your mother knew she’d be so disappointed.” Eren can’t help but scoff at the suggestion. His mother knew better than anyone what it was to feel overworked and need a few minutes to recenter yourself. She was just better at hiding her moments of weakness than he was.

“Dad I practiced for four hours today, I’m just taking a quick break to clear my head. I’ve been stuck on this shift all morning.” And it’s not a lie - he spent hours trying to get that one measure in tune, played it over and over again until his fingers ached and the sounds blurred, until he couldn’t tell one note from the next. But he knew it was futile - his dad was a surgeon, not a musician. He had never understood anything other than working until you were done, didn’t believe in taking breaks or giving space for the creative process to happen. He was a man of action, of constant vigilance, of steady hands and a stone cold heart.

“You really think that’s the right attitude? To just give up when things get tough? Your mother didn’t get her position because she gave up when things were difficult, and she is deeply talented. You’re lucky they accepted you at all Eren - we both know you’re not first string. Put your guitar away and go put in the work you know you should be with your bass. That was the agreement - you would pick a real instrument and focus on that, not this silly rock star fantasy. I don’t pay for you to go to that school so you can mess around.”

And there it is, his ace in the hole, the one thing he always brings up when he knows he can’t win otherwise - money. It’s fucked up, because he really has more money than he knows what to do with and paying for his son’s college shouldn’t be something he holds over him, but it’s the only reins he has, the only way he can get his way. And despite knowing how toxic that dynamic is, despite resenting the hell out of him for it, he’d still rather keep his life comfortable than try to get through school while being financially independent. Pick your battles or whatever.

He leaves the guitar on the blanket and heads back inside to practice more.

xXxXxx

Three days. The video had been posted to his account for three days. He posted the link to his Tumblr, his Instagram, and added it to his snap-chat story, and yet there it was, a measly 400+ likes. He never had the chance to get it posted last weekend thanks to his Dad’s insistence he continue bass practice, and even though he knew he’d missed the peak viewing window he still posted when he finished on Wednesday because he was too impatient to wait for the weekend to come. Now he regrets his inability to wait - it’s a Saturday night and everyone is on, but his posts are too far back in the queue and reblogging makes him feel too desperate.

He deletes the video without a second thought because he can't stand the proof staring back at him that he's not good enough to get a respectable view count. Not talented enough. Not popular enough. Just not enough. He knows it's childish, that it's pretty fucked up he's abandoned his work because he spent weeks agonizing over that song and getting it just right. He spent hours recording himself playing to get the right light, a flattering angle, his hair messed up just so. Stayed up until the first rays of sun came pouring in his window editing it all together. Hell, he put his heart into that song, put himself naked and bare on display for the world, posted the video and thought _ ‘this is good, I did good’  _ .

Only the world answered back, “It was okay, but that cat on a Roomba was better. It was interesting, but not as much as Kylie's newest lip kit.”

So he took it down. Better to be deleted than not good enough.

Eren slams his laptop shut before grabbing a change of clothes and heading to take a shower. If he isn’t going to get validation from youtube, he’s going to go to that party Armin invited him to and get it from some drunk ex-classmate instead.

He drifts into the house party wordlessly, trying to keep his arrival discrete. It isn’t that he isn’t welcome, but he’s done a solid job of avoiding all these people since he got home at the beginning of summer and he really doesn't want to jump into why that is with a bunch of wasted teens. He grabs a beer off the kitchen counter, weaves his way through a group of girls taking jello shots and finally makes his way to the main room before flopping down on the familiar blue couch, the one he spent countless high school nights on.

He takes in the group around him, lets his eyes scan over the faces, seeking out the familiar ones and noting the new additions. Of course Christa is here, because if there’s one thing Christa is good at, it’s showing up looking smoking hot when there’s free booze. He’s not complaining - she gets on his nerves, but that ass of hers is a piece of art and he’ll gladly study it all night. Not that he gets much of a chance before her shadow Ymir shows up and pulls her skirt down to cover her more. That girl is a walking chastity belt and as fine as she is, Christa is not worth the trouble of dealing with her.

Besides, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Reiner may play the straight as an arrow football star in public, but Eren’s seen the way his eyes raked over Berthold in the locker room and he knows that look, has given it to plenty of dudes himself. He’d probably spend half an hour going on about how he “never does this kind of thing” and “isn’t really gay” though, so maybe save him in the back pocket as a last resort. Sasha is looking beautiful too, those thick thighs of hers have always been great fap material. But Connie’s in love with that girl, and Eren may be kind of a dick, but he isn’t going to screw a friend over like that.

He looks over the room, takes in the rest of the party goers. The problem with growing up in their small town is that everyone knows everyone by the time you’re 13 and Eren is no exception. He leaves the main room and heads to the backyard to get some air, give himself some time to clear his head. Maybe heading home alone isn’t such a bad idea after all - he’s only got two more weeks in this town anyway and then he’s headed back to the Conservatory, to start his second year and prove to everyone that doubted him how great he’s going to be.

In Trost he’s always been the doctor’s son, the musician’s protege, Mikasa’s little brother - his identity always tangled in some way to the more successful members of his family. That’s why he’s worked so hard at school to make a name for himself on his own, why the blow was so crushing when he didn’t get the response he had expected to from a song he’d poured his soul into. Eren’s always lived in the shadow of the people around him - all he wants now is a chance to prove himself, a chance to stand on his own two feet, a chance to leave this place and his past behind and start over as someone he can be proud of.

He’s jostled out of his thoughts when a familiar weight presses against his side. Armin’s head has nestled onto his shoulder, his blonde hair cascading down Eren’s chest. He knows Armin’s been drinking because his hand is balled into the side of Eren’s shirt, squeezing and nudging his stomach in a way he only does when he’s drunkenly seeking out affection.

“Hey Min, you good buddy?” Eren lets his hand wrap around Armin’s small frame, pulls him in tight to his side and rubs small lazy circles into his shoulder.

“Nah, Annie’s here. She’s with Bert.” He doesn’t have to look down to know he’s trying not to cry, fighting to keep himself together. He can hear the hitch in his voice and the waver in his words all too clearly.

“Oh, sorry dude. That can’t feel good to see.” He tries to play it off like it isn’t a big deal, the way he knows Armin wants him to. 

“No, not at all.” He lets out a dark chuckle, his tone dripping with cynicism. He may look frail, but Armin is one of the strongest people he’s ever met and Eren knows he’s only be vulnerable like this right now because it’s Eren and they’ve shared more together than most people, can be real with each other in a way they can’t with others.

They stay that way for a while, Armin still kneading into Eren’s side, Eren still holding him tight, running his fingers over his shoulder, drawing patterns silently. When Armin finally speaks up again, his voice is flat and even, his despair replaced with cold indifference.

“Your parents around tonight?” He lets his hand wander down Eren’ side until it lands on his thigh and punctuates the question with a squeeze.

“Nah, they’re at the club. Mom won’t be back until late and Dad will probably just crash on the boat. You wanna come over?” Eren tries to keep his tone light, platonic. He knows there are only two ways this can go, and as much as he’s always enjoyed their hookups, he doesn’t want to be a shitty friend or take advantage of the situation.

Armin lifts his head then, crystal clear blue eyes staring deep into Eren’s for the first time that night, cold and hard and impossibly certain. It doesn’t matter how many times Armin looks at him like that, he knows it’ll always leave him breathless, in awe of the dude beside him. Yeah, Armin is definitely the strongest person Eren knows. 

“Yeah. And I want you to make me forget about Annie.”

Eren still isn’t convinced though - the past has shown him that Armin is incredibly good at hiding his real feelings behind that commanding gaze, knows just what to say to get Eren to go along with what he wants.

“Armin, I don’t know if we should. Last time you said-”

“That was over a year ago Eren, it’s different now. I obviously was getting attached to you then and I’m glad we stopped hooking up when we did. But this is different - I really loved Annie, you know? And all I want tonight is to completely erase her from my mind by filling it with another person. And I’m asking you, as my friend, to be that person. Please?”

And he can’t say no to him when he asks like that, when he gives him those sad eyes filled with heartbreak, when he lays his heart on the line and waits to see if Eren will pick it up. Maybe it’s because they’re both damaged, both seeking validation and comfort in the wrong places, but through all the bullshit they’ve both endured, they’ve always had each other to come back to, to fall into, to pick up the pieces and try to put each other back together again even if they know it’s not going to fix anything. Tonight, it looks like, will be no different.

“Yeah Min, let’s go to my place.”


	4. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sina - Fall

“Oh my god Izzy, you need to call an ambulance.” Eren clasps one hand against his chest, grabs Izzy’s shoulder tightly with the other.

“Why? What the hell are you talking about? Did someone fall!” Izzy looks around the studio frantically, but there are only a few scattered dancers warming up, none of whom appear to need medical attention.

“No, but I must have died and gone to Heaven, because that dude is abso-fucking-lutely an angel.” Izzy shrugs the hand on her shoulder off, jabs him in the side for good measure because joking about an injury in a dance studio is even worse than wishing someone good luck before they go on stage.

She turns to reprimand him, but by the look on his face he really might be dying. His normally tan skin is pale, his mouth hung open. Even his eyes look off, usually bright and sparkling jade, now a cloudy forest green. She follows his gaze to find his newest murderer, can’t help the audible gasp that leaves her mouth when she realizes he’s staring at Levi of all people. Poor bastard doesn’t stand a chance.

“Oh, Levi? More like a devil, or maybe like a fallen angel turned demon, cause he’s a good guy actually but he comes off pretty scary.”

“Izzy what the actual fuck! You know him?” She throws a hand over his mouth to muffle his exclamation, looks at the startled dancers apologetically before dragging him out of the studio and into the hallway. She should have known better than to bring a musician into a dance studio.

“Well yeah, I’m a ballet major Eren, and so is he. Of course we know each other. He’s my partner for one of the acts in the Spring Recital. That’s why I’m here right now, to practice with him.”

She turns to head back into the room, hoping Eren will get the memo and leave but instead he drops to his knees and throws his arms around her waist, stares up at her with those damn puppy dog eyes she can’t say no to.

“Izzy, I will do literally anything if you’ll introduce me to this guy.”

She gives him a swift kick in the stomach to get him off before stepping back and holding out a hand to help him up. She has to keep up her street cred in front of the others after all.

“What’s with you, you never act like this. You’re Mr. I Can Get Whoever I Want. You hit on everyone without thinking twice. Remember how we met? You tried to sleep with me that first night.”

“Right. Sorry about that.” Eren weaves a hand through his hair and grins sheepishly, looks down at the floor to hide the smile on his face of that memory.

“It’s cool. The point is, why don’t you just walk up and ask him out like you would anyone else?”

“Fuck honestly, I have no idea. He’s just so… intimidating? Like I can’t get the read on him. Most people I can tell pretty quickly what they’re into and how to approach them, what they’ll respond well to. But shit this guy is something else. He’s so damn cryptic. He dances like an angel, but he looks like he could kick my ass without breaking a sweat. Like he probably carries a switchblade in his dance bag.”

“Eren that’s so rude!” She gives him a punch in the side this time, this one a bit harder than before. Levi’s been like a big brother to her the past year, and even if he is her best friend, Eren needs to be put in his place from time to time.

“Well am I wrong? You said yourself he was scary!” He rubs the ache in his side before turning back to the viewing window, just in time to catch sight of him stretching out long into a perfect arabesque.

“Levi isn’t like that. He comes off a bit rough, but he’s really sweet when you get to know him. He’s a fifth year, very private, and not interested in second year fan boys like you.”

Eren opens his mouth to protest but Izzy raise a hand to silence him, quickly listing the reasons Levi would not be interested one by one. “He hates loud people. And messy people. And entitled rich people. Actually he pretty much just hates people, and you definitely didn’t make a great first impression...”

“Great! Then help me get to know him and make a better one. Preferably right now because he’s coming over.”

Before she can recover Levi is standing in the doorway, staring at the pair with disdain. He somehow manages to look both irritated and bored, but all Eren can think about is how handsome he must look when he smiles.

“Izz are you here to flirt with your boyfriend or get work done? We need to practice our fish dive for the pas de deux and I can’t very well lift my own ass into the air.”

Eren can’t help the chuckle that escapes his mouth, tries his best to hide the smile plastered across his face. Something about Mr. Uptight having a sailor’s mouth just makes him even more attractive.

“Right, sorry Levi. My  _ friend _ Eren was just going to watch us practice for a bit to get inspiration for his next composition.” She turns so only Eren can see her face before silently mouthing the words  _ “you’re welcome.” _

Eren tries to say something, anything but all he can do is stand there frozen under Levi’s scrutiny and give a weak smile.

“Tch, fine. Just don’t distract us. And don’t talk.” He gives Eren one last glance before turning and heading back into the studio. He can’t be sure, but Eren thinks he saw the hint of a spark in his eyes.

xXxXxXx

“Hey Oluo, what’s up buddy? Long time no see.” Eren takes a seat in the chair beside him, gladly taking the vape pen making its way around the circle and inhaling deeply. He hasn’t come for a bass hang in a while, but he missed his studio mates and he’s never been one to turn down free weed.

“Well, there’s this flock of wild turkeys that keeps blocking my car in in the mornings. They surround it and just stare at me so I spray them with the hose until they leave but I’m worried they’re going to get more assertive. I might have to use force.” Oluo is definitely stoned - they all are - but he’s so fucking earnest that Eren can’t help but take the bait and dive deeper into his turkey drama.

“Okay but here’s the thing - would you actually be okay kicking a turkey?” He can’t help but laugh the absurdity of the question even ask he asks it, only somehow with these guys it doesn’t seem that far out there. These are the same guys who get high and jam and compose the score for their musical about giant humanoid cannibals.

“I mean, if it came at me, then fuck yeah, that’s just self-defense dude. I’d kick all the turkeys.” Eren can tell by his tone that Oluo has already thought about this hard and long.

“But like, Turkey’s are so docile and easy going. Why would they attack you?” Eld is sitting beside him wide-eyed, a hint of terror in his expression. He can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact Oluo would be willing to assault a bird.

“No way, not these turkeys. Wild ones are totally different. This flock was trying to start something with me, I swear it.” And now Eren’s giggling, and he can’t stop the laughter from bursting over because he loves these guys but this is just too much.

“Yeah man, they’re smart and vicious - that’s what George Washington wanted them to be the national bird.” Everyone turns to look find Gunther curled up on the couch behind them. Eren didn’t even know he was in the room until now, but apparently, the thrilling turkey gate was enough to wake him from his nap. Being the oldest one in the bunch and the only Master’s student around it’s no surprise he’s trying to catch up on sleep, probably gets less of it than the others.

“You mean Benjamin Franklin dude.” And of course it’s Eld that knows what he’s talking about and is able to correct him. Those two are always on the same frequency.

“Oh yeah, that guy. The inventor. Smart dude.” And with that Gunther rolls over and goes back to his nap.

“Alright, can we talk about my problem now? Because it’s way more important than the flock of homicidal turkeys that have taken up residence outside your house Oluo.” Eren isn’t trying to be a dick, he really does enjoy their company, but he really needs some advice right now and these guys are his closest non-dancer friends on campus.

“Alright so there’s this dude-” he pauses and looks at the other two men, searching for any sign of discomfort or disgust. From Eld he is met only with a quiet open smile waiting for him to continue, but Oluo has a wicked grin and he knows this can’t be good.

“Ah! Boy troubles, eh? You’ve come to the right place. Tell uncle Oluo all about this guy and I’ll tell you how to get him to come around - they all do eventually, you just have to know how to woo them!” And that is…. definitely not what Eren was expecting. But leave it to straight as an arrow Oluo to consider himself an expert in courting gay guys.

“Uh yeah, there’s this dude. And he’s the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on.”

“In person, or ever? Because I’m straight but Channing Tatum is a work of art.” And again, not something he would have expected to come out of Oluo’s mouth, but weed does tend to make people honest.  

“No, period. Ever. In all of time. He is the most beautiful man to ever exist.”

“Okay, so he’s the most beautiful man to ever exist. Does he go here?” Oluo punctuates the question by taking another drag before passing the pen to Eren.

“Yeah, ballet major, really fucking good too. Top male in all their shows.” Eren beams with pride at the last part, proud to know his crush isn’t just any dancer but the best one in the school.

“So what’s the problem?” It’s a fair question, Eren hasn’t exactly voiced the part about never having had a real conversation with him yet, too caught up in his admiration.

“He fucking intimidates me you guys. He’s small but he’s scary, like rip your tongue out and feed it to you for saying the wrong thing scary. But that just makes me want him more!” Eren throws his head back, drapes an arm dramatically over his face half to hide his frustration and half to hide his embarrassment at admitting how turned on Levi’s fuck off attitude is.

“Well we should definitely talk about your fucked up turn-ons later, but continue.” Of course, Eld isn’t going to let that go without a remark. Eren gives him his best side-eye before sitting back up and running a hand through his hair, twirling it around his finger as he gathers his thoughts, tries desperately to find the right words.

“Normally I’m self-confident - I strut into the room like a peacock displaying its feathers, but with him I’m more like a, fuck I don’t know, like…”

“A turkey. You’re more like a dumbass turkey.” Everyone turns to stare in disbelief at Oluo before bursting into laughter. Even Eren can’t help the giggle fit that escapes him, even manages to agree between laughs.

“Fuck. Yeah. Like a goddamn turkey.”

When they finally settle down it isn’t Oluo that chimes in, but Eld. “Well, I say you get to know him, try to find his flaws. You see enough of them and he’ll come toppling off that pedestal you’ve set him on and then he’ll just be a regular human like the rest of us and you’ll be back to smooth-talking Eren in no time.” He punctuates the thought with a nod of his head before leaning back and grabbing his bass that had been forgotten an hour before and starting to pack it up.

“Shit man, that’s actually good advice. That’s also like, the most you’ve ever said to me.”

Eld stands with his case, puts his chair back before making his way to the exit. He stops short, turns back to the circle and gives Eren a fond smile.

“Yeah well I’ve grown to like you and consider you a part of The Special Ops Squad, so I wanted to help. Also, I’m pretty stoned and Oluo gives terrible advice. In fact, please never listen to him about anything related to romance again. Deal?”

“Deal.” Eld gives him a wave goodbye as he heads out for class, leaving Oluo to practice, Gunther to nap, and Eren to figure out how to get up the nerve to talk to Levi like a normal human being.


	5. Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sina - Winter

Friday has finally come, and with it the endless opportunities to get shitfaced and make poor choices, all of which Eren welcomes with open arms. The Conservatory itself may be small, but with Sina State less than a mile away, the students don’t have to miss out on the “college experience.” If anything, having the conservatory so close just amplifies the social life - there are always house parties on Rose Street, but instead of your stereotypical frat keggers, there’s a great live music scene, with DJs and bands playing any and every kind of genre you could want.

There’s this one place, a co-op house, that always spins the grittiest, heaviest sets and Eren knows without a second thought that is where he wants to be tonight. It’s where Izzy and most of the other dance majors end up too, because it’s the best place for them to take their raw talent and let it out in a primal way, to say fuck you to perfectly pointed feet and impeccable pirouettes, to trade in their ballet shoes for converse and let themselves move in ways they’re always told they shouldn’t. Eren may not be a trained dancer, but he loves the energy there just as much as them, loves the way it takes him on a journey far away from classes and exams and crushing expectations. He wants to get lost to the bass, feel himself pressed up against a stranger’s toned chest, or maybe have some sweet little thing pressed up against him. That’s the beauty of being open to both sexes - he always has pretty good odds of leaving with someone, and his undeniable good looks don’t hurt either.

When his last class finally lets out at seven, he power walks back to his dorm room and throws off his shirt before the door is even closed behind him. His pants and underwear quickly join it, leaving a pile of dirty clothes he has decided are definitely “Sunday Eren’s” problem. After a hot shower and a cup of noodles that really shouldn’t pass as dinner, he throws on a pair of black skinny jeans and a fitted white deep V. He pulls on his favorite flannel and beanie to finish off the look before heading out to pre-game at Izzy’s place.

The walk is long but flat, and he steps in through her front door just before 10 PM to watch a round of shots being poured.

“Ere-bear you finally made it! Dude, you have to catch up, here take mine to start, I’ll get us each another one.” The red-head unceremoniously shoves the tiny red solocup shot glass filled with some clear alcohol into his hand before bouncing off to the kitchen to get more. He really hopes it's tequila, or maybe even rum - anything but bottom shelf vodka. He looks around for a chaser but only sees empty soda bottles, so he resigns himself to his fate and throws back the shot as far in his throat as possible, hoping to miss his taste buds altogether. The burn is unmistakable, and even with his best technique he can’t help but get a taste of the cheap vodka and it’s all he can do to stifle the gag reflex that instantly responds to it. Taking shots, Eren decides, is his least favorite part of the night. It’s also the most efficient way to get where he wants to be, so when Izzy comes back with another shot he takes it and throws it back as well, happy to notice this one is slightly better than the first. If it’s like most nights, the third and fourth will be even better, and any after that might as well be water.

It’s past 11 by the time everyone is drunk enough to walk to the party, but even though he’s anxious to get to the good part, he knows from experience things don’t really get going until this time anyway. He and Izzy lead the charge, walking arm in arm down the street, grabbing on to each other when they sway too far to one side or the other, talking about nothing and everything, feeding off each other's excitement. Sometimes Eren thinks it’s a shame things didn’t work out between them because Izzy is a great catch, but he knows he’s found an amazing friend in her, and that makes it all worth the drama from freshman year.

The music is flowing out into the street, and there’s a cluster of kids at the front door when they arrive. They don’t bother to wait, choosing instead to go through the side gate and in the back door, the way they always have after the kids who lived there started calling them the VIPs and stopped charging them cover. After all, their group had basically made the place what it was once word of mouth got around about how the sexy dance kids always came here, so they’re happy to take the perks.

They make a quick pitstop in the kitchen to join in yet another round of shots - Eren’s unsure if this is six or seven, but he doesn’t see the point in stressing about it - before finally heading to the main rec room where the DJ is set up. He makes a line for the speakers, tries to get as close to the sound as he can.  He isn’t entirely irresponsible - Eren knows he has to be careful and protect his hearing, and the earplugs he threw in when he got here should take the brunt of the force - but there’s something indescribable about the way it feels to have the bass vibrate through him, to feel physically connected to the music. He gives his hips a few slow, deliberate rolls, eases himself into the surroundings, takes in the crowd around him with veiled glances and hooded eyes.

His initial scan tells him there’s a handful of guys and girls in the room he’d happily hook up with, and about 50% acknowledged him and gave him a look of their own, so chances are he’s not returning to an empty bed tonight. He decides to start with the guy closest to him - tall, dark shaggy hair, chiseled jaw, good build. He lets his dancing move him in his general direction, but he takes his time to get there. He wants to set the scene, build some anticipation, throw a line and see if the guy takes the bait. When he starts moving to meet him, Eren throws him his best bedroom eyes and that crooked half-smile that gets guys hot and bothered. When he knows there are only a few bodies between them he turns around slowly, giving the guy a nice long look at his backside, swaying his perfectly plump ass in time to the music. If this doesn’t get the guy to close the gap, then nothing will.

He barely gets a few beats to sway to before there’s the unmistakable heat of another body pressed up behind him, a pair of strong calloused hands landing loosely on his hips. His mouth breathes hot against his ear, makes him shiver as he asks “you want some company?”

Eren’s never been one for words, so he sets his hands on top of the ones holding on to him and presses them firmly into his skin, guiding them to make contact as he rolls his hips back farther, seeking friction with the man behind him. The stay like that for another song, but when the beat changes and Eren changes with it, he finds the guy isn’t so ready to change pace. Eren isn’t judgemental, but he’s been with enough people to know that if the guy can’t follow his lead on the dance floor there’s no way he’s going to be able to in bed. He also knows that a dude who can’t keep time or match rhythm isn’t one he wants fucking him, so he turns subtly in the man’s arms before thanking him for the dance and making his way to a corner alone.

He’s about to choose his next target when he spots Izzy out of the corner of his eye and decides that dancing with her sounds like a better time than getting a dick rubbed against his ass out of sync to the music again. He stops short when he realizes she isn’t just dancing with the other kids in her group like usual - tonight she’s dancing with Levi, and Eren has to reach out and shut his jaw closed because it has literally fallen open at the sight before him.

This dude is stunning on a regular day, doubly so if when Eren’s lucky enough to get a glimpse of him in the practice room, all taunt muscles and raw strength. But tonight he is a vision straight out of Eren’s deepest fantasies, dark and moody and completely unreadable in a way that peaks Eren’s curiosity and lights a fire deep inside him. He wants this man in the most feral way, wants to pin him against the wall and take him like the animals they are under those clothes and degrees and moral codes. He can’t decide if he wants to fight him or fuck him more, but he knows he wants to kiss him soft and delicate afterward too, wants to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as he strokes a hand through his inky locks. Hell, he’d be happy to let this guy do those things to him too, let him hold him gentle and soft, leave a trail of kisses over newly formed bite marks.

It should be illegal to move the way he does: half mating call half performance, 100 percent going straight to Eren’s dick. If he fucks anything like he moves then Eren would gladly never touch another person again, content to know he’d already found the sexiest person alive. On any other night Eren would probably turn tail and hide out in the kitchen or go back to Mr. Hot and Off Time, but he’s spent the last few months grilling Izzy for info on him, trying to learn everything about the dude that would make him less intimidating.

He knows he’s a scholarship kid who probably has a rough past, that he yells at the other dancers and forces everyone in his troupe to clean up the studio when they’re done. He’s not a great student in theory, but he’s a damn prodigy when it comes to dancing. Still, despite all the new information - Levi likes tea not coffee, Levi wears black, white, and gray but never any colors, Levi doesn’t date but he’s shown up bow-legged and hung over a few times so he definitely gets laid - Eren can’t help but see him as the same unreachable adonis he first saw stretching in the studio. Then again, it’s only a month until the end of the semester - Levi’s last semester - so tonight he decides there’s nothing to lose, and makes his way towards Izzy, thanking God and also Jesus when she grabs his hand and pulls him close so the only thing between him and Levi is her.

Levi doesn’t miss a step, his seductive movements never faltering. Eren wouldn’t even be sure he’d noticed him if he hadn’t nodded in acknowledgment briefly before looking down at Izzy’s face again. The three of them move together like that for a few songs: Eren pressed firmly against Izzy’s back, one hand on her hip, the other running up and down his own body, weaving through his hair when it fell into his face, Levi facing her, arms laced around her neck. Eren feels Izzy start to pull away so he steps back enough to give her space to leave, unsure of what to do next. She whispers something in Levi’s ear, runs her hand down his chest suggestively then turns to give Eren a wink before scampering off to who knows where. Eren feels vulnerable and exposed, unsure if he should keep dancing or take off too. He’s left bare before Levi who doesn’t move either, just stares him up and down, sizing him up, not even subtle about it.

He must have made his mind up, because before Eren can move to go Levi steps forward and holds a hand out to him. Eren tries to play it cool but he can’t help himself from reaching out as fast as the opportunity is presented, too afraid he’ll change his mind if he waits. Levi just chuckles in response before pulling him close and lacing his hands behind his neck, never once stopping that perfectly timed sway of his hips, the movement subtle but undeniably sexy.

Eren places his much larger hands on the man’s slender hips, notices that he’s slight but clearly powerful, that the muscles beneath are hard earned and that he could definitely kick his ass if he wanted to. And shit, because now Eren’s thinking of Levi kicking his ass and then taking it and he really doesn’t need to pop a boner right now when this gorgeous guy is pressed up against him.

“So kid, Izzy tells me you like watching me dance. I’ve noticed you know, you staring when you think I can’t see you. It was annoying at first, but you’re cute and Izzy likes you, so I guess I don’t mind it so much.” His voice is rich and deep, commanding without being forceful. Eren realizes he would follow this guy straight off a cliff if he asked him to, doesn’t think he could break the spell he has him under even if he tried.

Eren’s a bit shocked by the confession, and he really doesn’t want to fuck this chance up, but he’s also proud and stubborn, so the line that comes out of his mouth makes sure to remind Levi that he’s a very sexually experienced adult.

“I’m not a kid Levi - I could show you things that would blow your mind dude.” He gives his signature roll of his hips just to accentuate the point.

“You’ve got a mouth on you, don’t you? Let’s hope it’s good for something other than talking.” And with that Levi spins himself around, pressing himself flush against Eren, letting his head fall back onto the taller man’s shoulder before lifting his arms and lacing them back into Eren’s hair.

It’s an invitation and Eren knows it - just like he tested out the other dude, Levi is testing him. He just hopes this isn’t an exam he’s going to fail. Thankfully he’s always been a good dancer and like most musicians, his rhythm is on point, but he’s still figuring out what dynamic this dude wants to establish, if he wants to dominate or be dominated. Eren takes a chance, brings his mouth down to the back of his neck before leaving light open mouth kisses along the side of it. His breath ghosts hot over Levi’s ear, sending shivers down his body. It’s subtle, but Eren picks up on the way he presses back harder, the way he moves more wantonly, the way he lets his head roll to the side to present more of his neck. This dude is definitely looking for someone to take control tonight, and Eren is more than happy to oblige. He lets his fingers scratch down Levi’s scalp, over the nape of his neck, down his back. When he shudders in response Eren decides this guy likes a bit of pain with his pleasure, so he kisses his neck again, only this time he lets his teeth sink into the mound of flesh between his shoulder and his nape, revels in the moan that escapes Levi’s lips in response.

It’s obvious that they’re both pent up and ready to go, but Eren doesn’t want to assume anything only to have his spirit crushed. Instead, he pulls his mouth back and asks Levi, “You wanna head back to my place?” His voice is husky and laced with intention in a way he’s never heard it before, but this dude is assaulting his senses, bringing out a side of himself he wasn’t even aware of until tonight.

Levi, it turns out, also prefers actions over words, so he spins around and latches his mouth onto Eren’s waiting one. The kiss is bruising and rushed -  there’s nothing sweet about it -  but it’s also perfect and everything Eren never knew he wanted, dripping with sin and lust. He has to keep himself from hoisting Levi into the air and carrying him to the closest bedroom right then. Instead, they both head out of the room, Levi’s smaller hand clasped tightly in Eren’s larger one as he weaves through the undulating bodies around them, leading them both to the closest exit. They pass by Izzy on the way out and Eren gives her a sheepish grin and small wave only to be met with a knowing smile and swift smack on the ass.


	6. Connect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just shameless smut (that ends with some feels)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh yeah, the smut. I had planned to put this in originally, but then when I was writing the story I sort of left my domestic partner of six years/moved out of our shared home/started my life all over and came to grips with the fact I was all alone and hadn't gotten laid for 6 months so writing smut kind of lost its appeal.
> 
> But I am now single and finally living in my new place and moving forward with my life so to celebrate I finished the smut!

The walk home is a blur of hands roaming under clothes, and mouths seeking skin and  _ friction friction friction _ . It’s freezing out, and the logical part of their brains is trying to convince them to get back inside, but the Eren can’t fight the urge to pin Levi against the alley wall behind the cleaners down the street, and Levi takes his own detour when he tackles Eren onto the park bench outside his apartment. It takes every inch of self-control they both have to fight the urge to fuck along the way, but they finally make it to Eren’s place with most of their clothing and dignity intact. 

Not that it lasts long once they’re inside. Eren barely gets the door shut behind him before Levi is on him, assaulting his senses. All he can feel is blunt fingernails scratching down his sides, all he can smell is leather and pine, all he can hear is ragged breath and whispers of “Eren,” all he can see is inky black strands cascading over his face, all he can taste is the intoxicating mixture of cheap liquor and the salt on Levi’s skin. He can’t get his clothes off fast enough for his or Levi’s liking, finally gives up on his own clothes and lets Levi finish the job, too eager to get his hands on Levi’s shirt and get it off so they can do the same.

When they’re both left in nothing but their boxers, Eren grabs Levi by the thighs and lifts him up, never breaking their kiss. At first he thinks Levi might get pissed at being handled like that, but his suspicions from earlier are proven true when Levi throws his legs around his waist and grinds into him hard instead. They fumble their way to the bed, each taking any opportunity to mark the other up, to leave angry bruises all over flawless skin, to claim the other man. Eren sets Levi down on the bed gently, but before he has the chance to come down on top of him, Levi’s grabbed his shoulders and flipped him down onto his back. Levi may be looking for Eren to top tonight, but he’s no pillow princess, and he sure as hell is going to be a very active participant. He crawls up the other man’s torso, throws a leg on each side before settling down on his lap. 

“Levi you're so amazing. I can't believe you came home with me. I never thought_”

“Hey, relax brat, you already got me in bed, you don't have to keep trying so hard.”

Now that he’s in control Levi slows the pace down, lets himself take in the expanse of golden skin over taut muscles that ripple beneath him with every brush of his fingers. He can’t keep his mouth from following in their wake, from wandering along Eren’s chest, his abs, down his happy trail. For someone so talkative, Eren’s barely uttered a word since Levi took control. He’s still in a bit of shock that the tables turned, but he definitely likes the attention Levi’s showing him - can’t hide the quiet gasps and moans that the man on top of him keeps drawing from somewhere deep inside him. Levi takes his time to nip and tease, to push Eren to his limit before moving on to the next spot. He can't say he never thought about getting the kid in bed, but it was a passing thought at best, definitely one he never thought worth pursuing. But now that it's happening, now that Eren is on full display beneath him he's going to savor every inch of his muscular body.

Eren on the other hand, has absolutely thought of fucking Levi before, can recall hundreds of graphic fantasies he's played out in his mind, all the times he pretended his hand was Levi's. Now that he's here in the flesh Eren can't decide what direction he wants to take this, feels completely helpless to do anything more than let Levi take control, to lay back and try to burn every caress of Levi's fingertips against his into his memory. Eventually Eren’s hands trail down Levi’s sides, gripping firmly onto his hips, pulling him back when he crawls too far away. Not that Eren wouldn’t love to see what this guy can do with his mouth, but he’s not willing to stop kissing him long enough to let me make much progress in that region. He lets his hands wander back and forth along the ridge of his boxers, teasing but never dipping further, chuckling every time Levi rocks his hips to get his hand closer to his dick. Levi doesn’t say much either, but that’s because his mouth is currently preoccupied with Eren’s neck and it’s hard to talk dirty and leave a good mark at the same time.

He can tell Eren’s getting pent up by the way his head falls back onto his pillow, how his feet press into the bed and his lower back arches up off the ground trying to increase the pressure between them. If Eren isn’t going to touch him then Levi isn’t going to give in either, runs his palm over the other man’s aching bulge then pulling back, knowing full well what the other wants but leaving him teetering on the edge instead. It lasts a few more minutes before Eren finally breaks, shoves his pride to the side and decides it isn’t really losing if he gets to finally get with Levi and turn months of fantasies into reality.   

“Fuck, Levi, please. I want you. I've wanted this for so long.  _ Please.” _

“You’ll have to be more specific than that Eren.”

“I want to fuck you. I want to taste you. God I want to make you cum, want to make you feel so fucking good, want to hear my name on your tongue as you come undone beneath me.”

“If you want me, then take me.” 

It’s all the invitation Eren needs to throw his arms around Levi and pull his chest flush against his own before rolling them both over until he’s got him pinned on the bed beneath him. The view is more than he bargained for, and for a moment it takes his breath away. Levi is stunning - his pale skin glows against the dark green sheets, his steel grey eyes reflect the light pouring in like puddles of mercury, his hair frames his face like a crown. He sits back up onto his heels, takes in the view spread out before him one last time before grabbing both hips, tangling his fingers in the hem of his boxers and tugging them towards him hard. They slide off without much resistance and Eren tosses them off to the side without any thought, too captivated by the man finally bare and exposed before him. He was a fool to try and see Levi as anything other than the God he is, realizes now what a futile effort it was. All he can do now is be thankful this particular God has decided to give himself to him, all he can hope is to live up to his expectations.

He’s torn between his desire to see him bent over, ass on display and his desire to take him in a position that will let him keep kissing those perfect lips, but ultimately his inner romantic wins out and he decides to keep things missionary.  He grabs the bottle of lube stashed in his bedside drawer, coats one of his fingers generously before setting about prepping his partner. He loves watching Levi’s body react, loves learning what he likes, takes note of every shudder and shift and clench and stores it away for next time.

“Enough Eren, I want it now. Fuck I’m so ready for you.” The words slither down his spine like fire, sending shivers across every nerve. It sparks a desire deep in Eren when Levi says it like that, like he needs it, like he needs  _ him _ . Eren can’t help but preen, loves knowing he’s the one that the other man wants, even if it’s just for tonight. 

He pulls back, rolls on a condom, coats himself with a thin layer of lube before lining back up again.

“You're so stunning, I can't believe this is finally happening.”

There’s no teasing, no warning, he grabs Levi’s hips and guides himself into that tight heat, bottoming out in one quick thrust. He doesn’t need to ask if it’s okay to move: he can tell by the way the other man stretches his arms out in front of him and balls his fingers into the blankets below, the way his back arches and his head tilts back and Eren’s name leaves his lips. He sets a rhythm, quick and fast, intoxicated by the drag of Levi’s walls around him every time he pulls back, pushes in. He wants to be gentle and take it slow but the months of pent-up tension and his desire for the man beneath him are too much, too powerful and he can’t help from bucking hard and fast, relentlessly into Levi. He’s encouraged when Levi meets every thrust with just as much enthusiasm, knows he’s hit the spot when his mouth finally pulls away from Eren’s and latches onto his shoulder instead, when his teeth sink in and leave dark angry welts that burn so good.

He gives a few more hard thrusts before he’s overcome with that familiar sensation, before his abs tighten and his movements stutter. He knows his end is close but he desperately wants Levi to get their first, so he grabs the ignored cock below him, gives it a few good strokes until he feels Levi tremble beneath him, until he digs his heels into Eren’s back. He can’t help but feel proud he got him off first, loves the whisper of his name that pours out of the other man’s mouth like a mantra. He’s close, so fucking close, and it’s all he can do to hold on and not let himself fall forward on top of Levi when his own release finally crashes over him.  

It takes a few moments for their breath to even out, for them both to float back down to the present. Eren knows he should let the silence fall over them, should play it cool. But he's wanted this for so long, has wanted Levi for so long, that he can't help the words that stumble out his mouth.

“I just-” he takes a look over, gets lost in the way Levi's eyes sparkle like liquid mercury, the thoughts never fully materializing. He shakes it off, tries again.  “I mean-” only the second attempt isn't any better, because there really aren't words that convey the enormity of what just happened.

It goes against everything he knows about seduction, but he decides to throw caution to the wind and just be honest for once.  “Fuck, that was better than any fantasy. Thank you Levi.”

He looks away, expects Levi to make fun of him, but instead he's met with a quiet "hnn" and a gentle squeeze of his hand and it's so much more than he ever hoped to get from the man beside him, already feels like he's gotten more than he deserved. But Eren's never been one to quit while he's ahead, so he decides to go for broke, tries to rope him in, to convince him there's something worth coming back for, that their night together doesn't have to be just this night at all. “Maybe next time you can take me?”

“Hnn. Maybe. Get some sleep Eren.” There's a gentleness in his voice, but no promise. Eren tries not to let it get him down, knows he should be happy with what he's already gotten instead of hoping for more. He rolls over and lets the heaviness of sleep settle over him, falls asleep with a smile on his face knowing that at least he had Levi beside him as he drifted off.

It isn't until he hears Eren's breath beside him even out that Levi finally lets himself relax. He expected this dude to be great in bed - probably wouldn't have bothered to come over if he didn't - but he didn't expect him to be so affectionate, definitely didn't expect him to praise him, to fucking thank him for the sex they both obviously enjoyed. But mostly what he didn’t expect was to like it so damn much, to swoon at the sweet nothings Eren whispered against his skin, to preen at every compliment. He hasn’t let a guy get under his skin like this in a long time. Hell if he’s honest with himself, he’s only felt something other than lust once before, but he left those feelings back in his past life. He worked too hard to get where he is and when he walked away from the hood he left everything behind - including the idea of letting someone get close again. But there’s something about the dude asleep beside him that makes his stomach flutter in a way he’s never felt before, something that stirs those feelings he buried deep inside awake for the first time in  _ years _ . 

He’s pulled from his thoughts when he feels the bed shift beside him, can’t help the small gasp that leaves his mouth when a warm arm snakes its way around his waist, pulls him up against a firm chest. He isn’t sure, but he thinks he feels Eren smile as he presses his lips against the back of his neck. He knows this is all just a fantasy, a moment of weakness, a waking dream, but for once Levi lets himself give in to it without worrying about the reality morning will bring.


	7. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sina - Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ran out of time to write the smut scene I pictured, so in lieu of rushing it it's been excluded from this publishing. I will likely go back and finish/post it between the last chapter and this one at some point.
> 
> UPDATE: Smut is posted.

Levi’s eyes flutter open as the early morning sun peeks in through the curtains and straight onto his face. Even in his half awake state he realizes it’s an odd thing to be happening, because his window faces the North West, and he doesn’t get direct sun until the late afternoon. The implications send him into flight mode, and rolls onto his side before realizing quickly that fast movements are a no go this morning. He takes a breath, steadies himself, then shuffles more slowly off the bed. It takes him a minutes to process the sight in front of him - he’s obviously not in his room, his clothes are missing, and Izzy’s friend Eren is also naked, still asleep, drooling onto his pillow. Levi grimaces at the mess of hair and spit, but can’t help the small fond smile tugging at his lips as he recalls the night they’d shared, the way he’d taken him hard and fast then whispered doting praises until they both fell asleep. It was good night, a great night, but Levi knows that’s all it was or ever can be - just one night. He lets himself get one last look at the other man before setting out to find the bathroom and his belongings.

Thankfully this kid lives in a single, must be extra wealthy, so Levi doesn’t have to worry about running into any unwanted roommates. He takes a quick piss, finds his clothes in a wrinkled pile on the living room floor, dresses quickly and is out the door with his phone keys and most of his pride all without waking Eren in the other room.

He makes it home in time to get in a shower, down two cups of black coffee and grab a protein bar before heading to studio. Saturday mornings have always been his favorite time to dance, when the other students are hung over or sleeping in and he can have the room to himself. He can’t focus with the others around, has never been great at being part of a group unless he’s leading it, can’t stand watching others mess around and have no power to tell them to knock off or get out  - not that it’s stopped him from doing so anyway. Saturdays though, well Saturdays are his day and even with the ache in his backside and the haze in his mind he isn’t going to let a hangover ruin the day he waits all week for.

His practice goes normally at first, gets in a couple solid hours before the few other weekenders arrive. This group is mostly comprised of quiet dedicated dancers, so he doesn’t mind the company for a few more hours. That peace is shattered, however, when he looks up and sees the familiar small redhead ballerina stomping towards him, a scowl across her face.

“What the hell Levi, why’d you sneak out on Eren?” Levi doesn’t step back from the confrontation, but he doesn’t dive into it either, just stays standing where he was , crosses his arms, and cocks an eyebrow in response.

“We hooked up, it was fun, now it’s over. I didn’t sneak out, I woke up and left at a normal time, your friend was just still too passed out to notice.” It’s not a lie, not if you count 7:30 am as a normal time to get up on a Saturday anyway, and Levi very much does.

“That’s bullshit dude, you didn’t even leave a note or anything, and you didn’t respond to his texts either. You made him feel like shit.” Levi can’t help the flash of surprise that crosses his face. He’s never had any ties to the guys he’s slept with before this, never had a mutual friend to fill him in on the aftermath of his leaving. He wonders if maybe the others were upset too, or if Eren is just being clingy. The boy does practically drool watching him dance, and given how affectionate he was last night afterwards, it’s no surprise he’d be upset that Levi didn’t stick around for the morning.

None of that is his problem though, and he really doesn’t want this to affect his partnership with Izzy, so he leads her to the barre where they can talk more privately.

“Look Izz I haven’t looked at my phone since I woke up, I promise I wasn’t ignoring him. I’ve been here, practicing, like I do every Saturday. Like _you_ should be.”

“Blow me Levi, I’m not here to practice, I’m here because my best friend called me frantically this morning asking if I knew where you were so he could find you to apologize.”

“Apologize, for what?”

“Dude, he thinks you hate him, that he did something wrong because you were gone. He wanted to take you to breakfast, hang out a bit and you just bailed. Then when he asked if you were okay you ignored him. He probably thinks you regret it, or worse that you think he took advantage of you.”

It honestly never crossed Levi’s mind that he’d have to talk to Eren about this after the fact, but he definitely doesn’t want him to think it wasn’t a mutual decision.

“Fuck alright I’ll text him okay? Cocky little shit seemed like the type to do this kind of thing a lot so I just figured he wouldn’t think twice about me afterwards.”

Izzy softens in response, lets out a deep breath before leaning against the barre beside them. “Look I know Eren comes off like this confident fuck boy rich kid, and maybe he can be, but not with you. Honestly he’s been torn up about you all semester. I swear if I have to hear him ask me about you one more time I’m locking both your sorry asses in the boiler room until you get together or kill each other.”

“Dame Izz, that’s savage.” If she didn’t know better, she’s almost think Levi sounded proud.

“I’m going to get a bagel, chug some juice, down two alleve and go back to sleep. Text him Levi. Please.”

Levi slumps to the floor beside his dance bag and pulls out his phone. He expected a text from Eren, maybe two if he was really upset. What he finds instead is 4 from Eren and 3 from Izzy, all spanning within the last 12 hours.

**Izzy [1:25 AM]: Have fun 2nite Lee, you and ERen area hawt couple! Get it boiiiiiiiiiiiz.**

**Izzy [9:30 AM]: Hey, I gave Eren your #. He said you ghosted this morning. What gives?**

**Izzy [11:27 AM]: Damnit Levi at least tell the boy what he did wrong. I’m coming down to OS and I swear if you’re there I’m going to rip you a new one. It’s too early for this shit.**

**Unknown [9:13 AM]: Hey Levi, it’s Eren. Izzy gave me your number, hope that’s okay. I had an awesome time last night. Hope you did too.**

**Unknown [9:14 AM]: Anyway I don’t know when you left but I’d be happy to grab breakfast if you’re still around. My treat! Just let me know ;)**

**Unknown [10:39 AM]: Look I hope you aren’t mad at me about last night, sometimes I do and say stupid shit when I drink so if I upset you in any way then I’m sorry.**

**Unknown [11:20 AM]: Please let me make it up to you. Or tell me to fuck off and I’ll leave you alone. Just want to know if you’re okay.**

Levi throws his head back against the mirrored wall with a groan. Of course he’d be the object of this kid’s affections, the first one he actually gives a shit about the day after. He has to remind himself that Eren is an adult, that he can just tell him plain that he isn’t interested in anything more than their night together. He knows it might be a hard blow - the guy clearly likes him - but it’s for the best. He reads the texts again, can’t help but feel like this dude sounds so damn insecure and sincere, can’t help but want to make him feel better about it all, soften the blow…

No; he can’t let himself get swept up in this. He needs this to be a clean break, needs to keep his head focused on the Winter Show. Everything is riding on his final performance - his graduation, his position in Lilia’s ballet company, all the work he and Petra put in to get him here. Eren’s a nice guy, and he fucks like a pro, but Levi has to end this before it gets any farther, has to save them both the trouble of getting tangled up in each other because Levi has a very clear cut future and it doesn’t involved cute clumsy bass players with eyes like the ocean.

**Hey Eren. I had fun last night so don’t worry about it. Nothing personal about leaving early, just had to get to practice.**

He hits send before letting himself add anything more, anything that might suggest he does or doesn’t want to see him again. He knows he shouldn’t be vague, but he’s trying to save this guy’s feelings without inspiring hope and it’s a narrow path to walk. If he’s honest with himself, he’d very much like to have another night like that together, to make good on the promises Eren whispered last night in the heat of the moment about _next time next time next time._ He can’t give in though - he has to remind himself it’s easier this way, better.

He feels his phone buzz seconds later, cringes at the realization that Eren must have been waiting desperately all morning for his text.

**Unknown [11:53 AM]: Wow, you’re so dedicated to practice on a Saturday morning! It’s a bit late for breakfast, but I’d love to take you to lunch?**

Apparently the path was even narrower than Levi realized, and his attempt at being kind but uninterested didn’t come across. He knows he should just set him straight, but he is really hungry, and maybe grabbing lunch and clearing the air in person is the mature thing to do anyway.

**Alright, meet me at smoothie hut at 12:30.**

He decides he should probably save the number too, just in case he ever can’t find Izzy or needs help finding a piece of music. Definitely not because he likes this guy. He pulls up the number and types in Eren _‘E R E N not A A R O N’_ as he had drunkenly explained to Levi the night before.

**Eren [11:56 AM]: Great, see you there ;)**

If Levi smiles seeing his name and the winky emoji then it’s nobody else's business but his own.

He stashes the phone and starts his cool down, giving himself just enough time to throw on trainers and a sweater before walking over to the campus juice place. Eren’s easy to pick out of the crowd, his mop of untamed chestnut hair barely kept under the maroon beanie he’s pulled on top of it. Despite his bedhead and his wrinkled clothes Levi can’t help but notice the strong muscles peeking through, has to keep himself from reliving the way they flexed as they moved together the previous night. As if it wasn’t bad enough, he smiles at Levi, a real genuine smile and he realizes turning this guy down is going to be a hell of a lot harder than he thought.

“Hey Levi. You look great. How was practice?”

“It was fine, I like having the place mostly to myself.”

“Yeah I get that, sometimes the guys in my studio can be really obnoxious, makes it hard to practice.”

“Right. So smoothies?”

“Oh uh, yeah, sure. Get whatever you like, my treat!”

“Thanks.”

The two order quickly - Levi getting a medium apples and greens, Eren a large chocolate moo. They take a seat side by side on a nearby bench, awkwardly drinking their smoothies in relative silence until Levi finally gets the courage to speak up.  “Anyway thanks for the smoothie, but don’t worry about it anymore. I had fun last night too, so we’re cool. Wouldn’t want it to be weird if you came by to get Izzy.”

“Well if you had a good time too, then why would it be weird?”

“I don’t know, some people have a hard time hanging out with people they’ve been inside of before? I’m just saying, the sex was fun, I’m cool, we’re good.” Eren gives him that damn smile that steals his breath and he has to remind himself why he’s here: clean break - no mess.

“Levi I had a good time last night, and I wanted to see you again. Partially because I was worried you were upset with me, but mostly just because I like you and wanted to hang out some more. So If you had fun too, then there’s no reason for us not to have fun again right? Why are you being so distant?”

“Eren I had fun last night but I don’t think it should happen again alright. You’re a 2nd year, and I’m about to graduate in December and move to Russia. Let’s just keep things friendly between us until then when we’ll go our separate ways and inevitably never see eachother again anyway.” Sure, he’s only a few years younger, but Levi knows the way that guy looks at him, can see the naive adoration in his eyes and wants to do everything in his power to extinguish it for both their sakes.

“Fuck, you’re going to Russia? Well why don’t we have fun until then, see what happens. I know it’s a long shot but we don’t have to make that call until you leave.”

He can see the dude deflate a bit, but he still has a smile and Levi can see the spark of hope lingering. If he’s honest, he doesn’t really want to stamp it out, would very much like to have fun again, to get swept up in this dude’s arms, maybe take him for a ride instead.

No - he has to do this now, otherwise it’s just going to be one more thing to deal with when he should be focusing on his move and his career. He chokes down his feelings and puts on his best bad cop act. He knows Eren’s probably going to hate him after this, but it’s better this way.

“Look brat I tried to make this easy but you can't take a fucking hint so here's how it is: we fucked, it was fun, and now it's over. That's it - that's our entire story. There were no morning cuddles, there's no getting to know each other, and there's definitely no dating.”

Eren’s eyes gloss over, and the expression on his face quickly morphs from optimism to sadness, and then ultimately to anger.

“Wow man, okay then. I tried to do the right thing and that's how you're gonna be? You know what, fuck you man, you’re not even that hot.” Levi lets out a sigh of relief. He can deal with this, can handle anger, knows what to do with disappointment, welcomes frustration. Negative emotions are all he knows, but he’ll gladly embrace them like the old friends they are than try to deal with the foreign kindness Eren’s been showing him all day.

When Eren gets up and walks away, Levi has to keep himself acting on the sudden urge to stop him.

xXxXxXx

When Eld walks past Eren’s practice room in the morning on his way to his own, he’s surprised to see light pouring out through the small window. He glances in to find Eren practicing, and despite the closed door muffling the sound as it comes through, he can tell it’s the same piece he was working on when Eld left the night before. He looks like he at least left to change clothes, but the bags under his eyes suggest he slept little -if at all- and his demeanor the last few weeks has been somber to say the least. There’s clearly something going on with him, and even though he doesn’t want to intrude, he knows he can’t let the kid keep going on working himself to the bone like this lest he end up injuring himself. Eld waits for him to finish playing, knocks gently on the door to get his attention. Eren sets his bass in the corner and opens the door, gives the older student a small nod but doesn’t say anything. Eld tries to ease into the subject, decides to ask about his final performance for the semester instead whatever has him so bent out of shape.

“Hey man, which Concerto did you settle on for your juries?”

“Bottessini, I played the 2nd and 3rd movement in studio last week.”

“Right - that didn’t suck. Good call.” He leans casually against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Gee thanks dude. It still doesn’t feel right though.” Eren gives him a playful punch on the shoulder on his way past before heading down the hall to grab an energy drink from the vending machine. 

Eld follows him down the hall, pushing forward with his questions. He knows that musicians tend to play their feelings, so he hopes that maybe if Eren can explain what feels wrong about the song he’ll better understand what’s going on with the guy.

“Why is that?”

“Picardy third at the end - I don’t get the major ending.” Eren shrugs, leans against the wall beside him. To anyone else it might not mean much, but Eld gets it - the switch to major at the ending is bright, almost cheerful - in stark contrast to the man next to him.

“Well why don’t you play it without that, end it in minor.”

Eren turns the can over in his hands, stares vacantly at the wall across the hall. After a few moments he nods his head, gives a little laugh before downing the drink and heading back towards his practice room, determination etched on his face.

“That’s actually a not shitty idea. Thanks Eld.”

It’s something, but Eld pushes forward, follows Eren back towards his room, leans against the door jamb once more and tries to get a bit more out of him.

"But hey weren't you thinkin about playing a movement of the Vanhal too?"

"Nah I decided just to stick with the Bottessini." Eren turns to focus on his sheet music, scribbles a few notes in the already crowded margins. It’s clear he’s trying to change the subject, but Eld doesn’t relent.

"Why?"

"Vanhal's too fuckin peppy man." Eld nods in understanding, can see a clear pattern emerging. Not that it’s a surprise - Eren’s obviously been upset, but he still hasn’t gotten to the why part, and that’s what he’s really after.

“And the rest, you got it figured out?”

“Sort of. Doing Hindemith for my sonata, Sarabande from  Bach’s 3rd.” 

Eld decides to go for broke, tries to keep the question friendly but to the point.

“I see. So then what’s your theme this year, Doom and Gloom?”

“More like hit it and quit it.” Eren chuckles darkly, hides his eyes that give away everything under his bangs. It’s too late though, Eld’s caught on now and he isn’t going to let this go until Eren’s talked it through with him.

“So I take it things didn’t work out with the hot dancer guy?”

Eren sighs, puts aside his sheets and turns back to face the older man. He still won’t make eye contact, but his body language suggests he wants to talk about it, so Eld just leans back and lets him say as much or little as he wants.

“We hooked up last week. I was so freaking happy man, I couldn’t believe it finally happened. Then the next day I tried to do everything right - make him breakfast, show him I was actually into him. But he wasn’t interested, totally blew me off.”

Eld tries to think back to everything else he knows about Eren, but this is the first time he’s talked about someone more than just describing what a great lay they were. It doesn’t take long for him to realize this is the first time Eren’s been the one being used.

“So I take it this is your first time being on the receiving end of hit it and quit it?”

Eren runs a hand through his hair, gives him a sheepish smile. “Yeah man, and it fucking sucks.”

“You’re young and attractive Eren, there are plenty more guys out there.”

“I thinking I'm going to stick to women for a while, this never happens with them.”

“Right well there are plenty more people out there of all genders and sexual orientations, most of whom would be happy to fuck you and stick around for breakfast. So cheer up, and quit playing such depressing pieces. Don’t get me wrong, you’re crazy talented and they’re technically strong, but you’re really tanking the vibe in here.” Eld pats him on the shoulder before heading to his own practice room, leaving Eren stunned beside him.

Eren can’t help but think that maybe he’s right, maybe he’s just upset about the rejection, maybe he should just let it go. Only there’s a part of him that keeps screaming that Levi was special, that the quiet moments they spent together in his bed that night were like nothing he’d ever had before, that the way their bodies moved together felt so damn right.

xXxXxXx

“Levi, you know Eren’s crazy about you right? Why couldn’t you give him a chance.” Levi really hoped he would be able to get through this practice with Izzy without talking about Eren, but he knows she isn’t going to cooperate until he talks to her and he can’t let this fuck up his final performance.

“I leave in a month Izz, it doesn’t make sense. Besides, Eren isn’t crazy about me, he’s crazy about who he thinks I am. Trust me, it’s better this way for him. He’d only be more disappointed if he got to know me.” For the first time since he met her, Izzy goes quiet. He realizes too late how much honesty was in those words, how much his own insecurities shown through. He does his best to look away, pretends to stretch his right calf even though they both know damn well he already did that five minutes ago.

When she finally speaks again it’s quiet, soft. There’s no anger in her tone, only concern.

“Alright, but you’re my friend too you know. So what about you, is it better for you?”

Levi can tell she’s trying to be supportive, show that she cares about him too. He decides to answer her honestly, knows she at least deserves that much.

“It’s easier.”

When she walks in front of him her lips are drawn in a thin line, her eyes downcast.

“That’s not the same thing Lee.”

They both know she’s right, but in that moment they both also know it isn’t going to change his mind. They move on with their practice, never speaking of it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ End of Act I ~
> 
> Act II will be posted Sunday 1/28


	8. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ~ Act II ~
> 
> Trost - summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trost - seven years later

Sound buzzes about the room in a great cacophony as the various musicians go through their warm up routines. It’s a loud uncoordinated mess, but the slam of the wooden door against the wall still manages to pierce through and give everyone in the room a jolt.

“Good morning dudes and dudettes! Today I have a very special announcement.” Hanji makes her way to the front of the room, sets down a thick stack of sheet music on her desk before pulling out just the top few sheets and turning back to the group.

“As most of you know, every Christmas we perform A Charlie Brown Christmas, and every year it’s a great success. However, this year, a select few of you will not be joining us for our traditional show. Instead, we’ve partnered with our friends at the Mariinsky Theatre Orchestra to help them perform the music for The Nutcracker Ballet with the Russian Grand Ballet!”

The room fills once again with a flurry of sound, rushed whispers spreading out like wildfire.

_‘That’s Erwin’s ballet company!’_

_‘I can’t believe some of us get to go to Russia!’_

_‘It’s Christmas time, I can’t leave my family.’_

Hanji doesn’t wait for the clamore to die down, strikes the wooden table top in front of her instead to bring silence over the group.

“Alright, alright, settle down. Now I’m sure most of you are wondering just how the selection will occur. First off, we are only sending six of you to help supplement the group selected from Mariinsky. We will be sending two from percussion, one harp, one violin, one viola, and one bass. I know that some of you will not be able to go due to family commitments, but please keep in mind this is a huge opportunity. If I call your name, please come up front to discuss.”

Eren tries his best to distract himself as she reads through the names, already knows he’s too young and new to the orchestra to be chosen over the veterans. Besides, even if he was selected, he knows Jean would hate the idea.

“...Hitch, Marlo, Moblit, Dot, Hannes, Gelgar, and Eren.” He glances around quickly, tries to remember if there’s anyone else in the group that she could have meant but can’t come up with any explanation other than that he’s been selected. Then again, he also heard Dot’s name, and it’s not likely she’d send both her basses away at the same time.

“Alright Dot and Eren, can I speak with you two together?” Eren stands and makes his way over to the front alongside his mentor. Between him and Dot, it’s a pretty easy choice, so he’s unsure why Hanji is even bothering to include him.

“I’ll make this easy - Dot, as first bass the opportunity is yours to turn down.” Hanji gives Eren a small apologetic smile, but there’s no need - he knew this was coming anyway. When he looks over at Dot though, he’s surprised to find him looking forlorn rather than excited.

“Maybe a decade ago Hanji, but I can’t be gone that long - my family relies on me. It’s just not an option for me to go. Besides, I know Eren here can handle it. Kid’s a prodigy.” He clasps his hand on Eren’s shoulder, gives him a wide grin. This is definitely not what he was expecting, and now that the opportunity is knocking at his doorstep he’s unsure if he’s ready to let it in.

“Alright Eren, what do you say?” Hanji gives him a toothy grin as well, and even though she’s asked it like a question, it’s laced with a hint of expectation.

He really wants to say yes, and if it were just up to him he definitely would, but he has another person in his life to consider now, and he can’t make this choice without at least talking it through with him. “I don’t know, I have to speak with Jean first. Three months is a long time.”

“Listen Eren, I know you love Jean, but this is your career we’re talking about. This is a huge opportunity. I also consider it a personal favor since Erwin asked me to send my best. I tell you what, I want to sweeten this offer a bit. If you go, then when you come back you and I can work together to craft that jazz program we’ve been talking about and you’ll be our lead guitar.”

Eren’s eyes light up and he can’t keep the gasp from escaping his lips. He’s wanted to play a guitar piece for years, and he knows this is his best shot.

“Do you mean it!”

“Of course I do kiddo! Now go home, talk it over, take your time. Just let me know by the end of the week. I’m counting on you Eren. Don’t let me down.”

Hanji gives him a slap on the back and a shove towards his chair before signaling to the rest that it’s time to begin practice. Eren shuffles back to his seat, but his head isn’t in the music for the rest of the day, it’s thousands of miles away in another country, filled with daydreams of sugar plum fairies and guitar solos.

xXxXxXx

“Seriously Eren, I can’t believe you’d even consider this. How can you be so okay with the idea of being apart for three months! Over Christmas nonetheless. Don’t you care about me? Don’t you want to spend the holidays together? You never think about anyone but yourself.” Jean is pacing about the room as he speaks, occasionally stopping to throw a glare in Eren’s direction before continuing on in his march. Eren is in his usual spot on the couch, does his best to stay calm and collected but Jean knows how to push his buttons, knows just what to say to get him to lose his cool.

“It’s a huge opportunity Jean! Hanji said I could play guitar in a show next year. That’s what I’ve wanted from the start. You know how important that is to me. Why can’t you just support me on this!” Goddamnit he never asks for anything for himself, not ever. He always puts Jean and the relationship first, but this is his dream and he can’t let it go without a fight.

“Because I actually care about our relationship. You just care about yourself.” The words strike through him like a knife the heart. On any other day before this he would have caved, would have put his own happiness aside and given in to Jean’s demands. But something about today is different - instead of fear of losing Jean he just feels anger, instead of wanting to make peace he’s preparing for war.

“You know what, I’m done. I’m not going to keep doing this with you. I tried to be reasonable, I tried to be considerate, but I’m done doing everything to make you happy when I’m miserable as a result. I’m telling Hanji I’m going.” The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them, but he’s glad he didn’t. For the first time in five years he’s stood up for himself and his own best interest and it feels good, really fucking good. It’s intoxicating almost, feels drunk on power at having made himself the priority for the first time in his life.

“I swear to God Eren if you leave you won’t have a home to come back to.” There’s venom in his words but Eren can see through the lie now, can hear the desperation he’s trying so hard to hide.

“Bullshit Jean. I’m not going to let you threaten me anymore. I’ll send you the money for rent while I’m gone. We can decide where we go when I get back. I think we could use a few months apart to make this decision anyway.” This time he wishes he had held back some of those words, surprises even himself by admitting there’s a decision to be made regarding their relationship. It’s not something he’d ever let himself consider, having decided long ago he had to sleep in the bed he’d made.

“To make what decision?” The anger is still there, but for the first time he sounds less like the raging monster he tries to be and more like the scared boy living inside it. Eren can see their carefully balanced dynamic unraveling, but instead of wanting to put things back he decides to grab the string and pull.

“Where we go from here and whether we go together or apart.”

“What exactly are you saying Eren?”

It’s a good question - a day ago Eren wouldn’t have said any of this, barely allowed himself to even think it in the privacy of his own mind and even then only when he was at his limit. He isn’t sure what the catalyst for all this was, but he knows something has snapped inside himself, and while he may not know exactly what the best path forward is for them, he knows it will never be the same as before.

“I’m saying I need some time and space to decide if I really want to commit to spending the rest of my life with you. I know I don’t want to commit to spending it in our relationship the way it is because it’s unhealthy. And part of me thinks maybe we could grow and change together and make it work, but part of me just wants to be on my own. So I think we need to take this opportunity to clear our heads, get some time apart, and then see what we both want afterwards.” He barely recognizes his voice as it leaves his mouth, is almost fearful of the icy edge it’s taken on, the cold distance that’s impregnated every word.

“How can you be some calm about this? How are you so cold? Fuck how can you do this to me? I gave you my twenties! I’ve given you everything!” A part of Eren wants to reach out, to comfort the man falling apart in front of him. But for the first time, there’s another part of him that’s resisting, a stronger part that’s running the show.

After five years of fights, after all the times he fled to the bathroom and locked himself inside, sitting in the bathtub until his sobbing stopped and his breathing evened out, until that familiar “I'm sorry” came through the cracks under the door, after every time he’s given up his needs to meet Jean’s, he’s finally ready to say no. For the first time, he’s not going to yield.

Everyone always tells you that relationships are compromise, that you can’t take the easy way out, that being a good partner is hard work, that you have to give every part of yourself to the relationship. Only no one ever talks about what to do when everything isn’t enough. No ever talks about pouring your life into someone else only for them to ask for _more, more, more._

He has nothing left to give, feels hollow because his partner has bled him dry, is constantly all over him emotionally. He’s so damn dependent on him - from the expectation that he’ll clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner to helping him pay off his school dept or scheduling his doctor’s appointments. It’s his fault in a way too, because when they were young and naive he’d happily bent over backwards to do those things, to make Jean happy, to win his affection. Now he just resents the man in the other room, despises him for saying things are “fine” between them when they’re clearly not. Of course he thinks they’re fine - he has a partner who does everything for him, takes care of him, pays over half the rent. But what does he bring to the partnership? He dumps his stress on Eren but can’t support him like he needs him to. He’s lazy, selfish.

But goddammit nothing is that black and white. He’s also kind and sometimes he makes these grand gestures to show his love. And Eren know’s he often can’t support him because he’s too wrapped up in his own mind, too bogged down with his constant overwhelming stress. And what's worse, he's also struggling with a mental illness Eren will never understand, despite how many books he's read on it. The thing is, Eren knows Jean can't help it - the mood swings, the aggression. But just because you love someone and support them, doesn't mean it's healthy for you to be in a relationship with them if meeting their needs hurts you. You can't be someone's everything, someone's pillar of support if your own foundation is crumbling beneath you.

It only makes matters worse that he’s so fucking sensitive about it all, can’t separate the fact Eren just needs space from the world from the fact Eren just needs space from him (although if he’s honest, the second one is true a lot lately too.) Then again, Eren is probably a bit blunter than the average person, just one more way their personalities clash.

He’s shaken out of his thoughts when Jean comes back to the room. He sits down beside him, face stained red with tears. It’s just now that Eren realizes he never gave him an answer, never verbalized the years of turmoil that have finally culminated in this one late night conversation. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, but it’s futile. After a few minutes of silence Jean starts again, stares him straight in the eyes and says, “I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. I can’t believe you could be this selfish. You know I have a fantasy where I get a gun and blow my fucking brains out right in front of you. Just to see if you'd finally give a shit.”

A few years ago this would have made Eren cry, would have cut him deep. He would have thrown his arms around the other man, begged him not to say such a thing, been pissed that he'd suggest killing himself and leaving Eren all alone. He'd be terrified at the idea of losing him, of losing the man he built his future around.

Tonight he doesn't feel any of that. Instead he sits in his chair silently staring at the ceiling, no tears coming. It sickens him in a way - at least if he cried or felt upset there was still hope that this mattered to him. But he can't fake it, can't bring himself to give a shit if the man beside him suddenly ceased to exist. He does wonder how he'd pay rent though…

He’s finally at a point in his life that he isn’t afraid of being alone - finally at a point where he might even enjoy it, embrace it. Sure, having a warm body beside you in bed is nice, but there are blanket and pillows that can be substituted. He’d save a lot more money too - live with his parents, not eat out as much, not spend money on groceries he doesn’t eat. Still, he does care for Jean as a person, wants him to be happy. He just isn’t willing to sacrifice his own happiness to achieve that anymore.

This would all be so much easier if he could just hate him.

xXxXxXx

“Armin, am I a dick?” Eren can hear the other man sigh deeply through the phone, knows he’s probably sick of having this same conversation every time Eren and Jean fight. This time is different though - this time Eren isn’t afraid of letting go.

“Why do you ask?” The question sounds forced, rehearsed, like Armin is reading off a script.

“I'm serious, I'm kinda worried I might be a sociopath or something. Like I care about you and Mika, but that's literally it. I couldn't give less of a shit about anyone else in my life.” The response isn’t his usual one and it seems to peak Armin’s interest.

He stops shuffling around on the other end, takes Eren off of speaker phone and asks, “What about Jean?”

“What about him?” The response is instant, a gut reaction. Eren feels clear headed and sure of himself in a way he never has before, thinks it must be what Armin feels when he makes a decision, when his eyes turn cold and certain.

“He's not on your list of people you give a shit about?” The question is timid - this is foreign territory and they both know it.

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

Eren takes a deep breath, lets the question play over and over in his mind. After a few moments of silence he finally responds, no hint of doubt in his voice.

“Then no, he isn't. Not anymore.” He pauses, takes Armin silence as a request to continue.

“Don't get me wrong, I don't wish him ill, fuck I think I still love him, I just don't really care if he's in my life or not anymore. I don't care about what he does or who he does it with. And I don't want him to care about me anymore either. It’s just too much work, all good and no bad. It’s not healthy man.”

“Oh.” Armin’s voice is heavy with surprise, but Eren notes he doesn’t sound sad, might even have a hint of happiness.

“Yeah.”

“Did you tell him that? Is that why you think you're a dick, because he said so?”

“Sort of? I didn't tell him all that, but I've made it clear with my actions. And he's called me a dick more often than usual lately as a result.”

He can hear Armin sigh on the other side, imagines he’s pacing back and forth across the room. There’s agitation in his voice this time, and Eren knows he should have left that detail out because Jean’s verbal abuse always sparks outrage in his friend.

“Eren, you know that he shouldn’t call you a dick at all right? I mean, it's not healthy.”

“Yeah I know. That's the fucked up part- I'm completely aware that our relationship isn't healthy, that's he's verbally abusive, that he always has been. But I keep making excuses because it's not just black and white, you know? He says he can't control it, and part of me thinks that's true. But I guess I always thought he'd grow out of it, or that it would get better when the stress of his job died down. Only it never did. I mean he has gotten better, but it's not enough. I want him to be _cured_ , and that's never going to happen. I realize that now. And I have to decide if I can spend the rest of my life with someone that's always going to suffer with this illness. I have to decide if being with him is worth dealing with that. And right now, I don't think it is.”

There’s a long pause before Armin responds, but Eren knows it’s just because he’s processing it all. Eren’s never shared this much with Armin, has never allowed himself to share it with anyone really, always too afraid of what Jean would think or what would happen if he tried to go back to him after telling his friends the more fucked up things that had happened between them over the years.

“You have to take care of yourself sometimes Eren. You always put everyone else first.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“I know you know, the question is are you actually going to do something about it this time?” Leave it to Armin to call him out on his shit, on his inability to act. It’s a fair point - he’s thought about leaving Jean lots of times before, has even vocalized it to Armin a few times, but he’s never seriously considered it. This time though, this time he doesn’t want to be a victim anymore, isn’t addicted to the drama of being in a toxic relationship, doesn’t see the fun in their dysfunction anymore.

Then again, things could change tomorrow, wouldn’t be the first time.

“I guess we'll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Quick Note on Mental Health in this Fic:  
> I know a lot of fics touch on mental health and how different people experience it, and this story was my chance to show things from my perspective as someone who was in a very serious, very long term, very unhealthy relationship with someone with severe depression and BPD until just a month ago. 
> 
> Honestly, when I wrote this last year I was in a very lonely place. I felt like I had no way to express how my partner's illness was affecting me and my own health because it wasn't my place to tell others of his struggles and explaining his behavior without explaining his illness often made people think he was just a dick (which is not at all the case). So without the ability to confide in anyone and feeling isolated as the partner of someone with an illness that resulted in a very volatile relationship, I started writing to cope. 
> 
> I know that everyone's story is a little different and we all experience these illnesses in different ways, so please understand this is just based on my experience and doesn't reflect in general onto any other person with these illnesses.


	9. Reprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russia - October

“Stop! Do it again!” Lilia’s shrill voice rings out through the studio, cutting through the music that stops abruptly in response. The dancers return to their starting positions, the pianist turns back her page and with a 5, 6, 7, 8 begins the song again.

They only make it four eight-counts before the familiar voice cuts through once more.

“Stop. Again!” Levi tries desperately to hide his ragged breathing, wipes the sweat off his brow and shuffles back to his place in silence. His feet ache, his breath comes in ragged gasps, his arms feel like jelly but he has to push through, has to prove he can nail this sequence. Being the Nutcracker Prince has always been his dream, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to let anything get in the way of it, even his own body.

The pianist counts off, and once again he throws himself into the dance. His turns aren’t as crisp as he’d like, and he doesn’t get enough height on his second jump, but he’s still on time and if he can just get through this then he knows that he can prove to Lilia he’s strong enough. Only his ankle has other plans, and he lands with a resounding thud as it gives way beneath him.

“No, no stop. Levi take 10, Jaque you’re in. Start from the Pas de deux.” Lilia waves Levi off before turning her attention to the understudy that’s just taken his place in first position.

“I can do it Lilia!” Levi picks himself up off the floor before stomping to his starting spot and giving Jacque his best ‘fuck off’ glare. Like hell he’s going to let this asshole take his place.

Lilia claps her hands once - a single deafening smack reverberates across the studio. The room falls silent, and all eyes turn to her waiting for her next command. They’ve seen this song and dance before - Levi losing his temper and Lilia lecturing him over it. Only there’s something else this time, something tense, and the others wait with bated breath held firmly in their chests, anxious to see if she’s finally going to replace Levi for good.

“Levi, enough. That’s enough now. I know you can do it, but your heart isn’t in it right now and you’re only going to get frustrated and hurt yourself if you keep trying. Take a break - clear your mind, stretch your calves, take a shit - I don’t care what you do, just don’t come back until you’re ready to give me everything you have. If you want this Levi, you better be willing to sacrifice everything, mind body and soul. Only then will you be my Prince. I won’t wait forever Levi, so I suggest you get your shit together if you want this. Understood?”

Silence falls over the room like a heavy blanket once again, somehow even thicker than before. Levi doesn’t meet the eyes of his company members, instead he gazes straight ahead to meet Lilias, and utters a quiet, clear, “Yes.”

Lilia turns back to the room, gestures for the others to get in their places. She takes a deep breath in through her nose, lets it flow out of her mouth and carry her stress away with it. She doesn’t have time to babysit Levi, and Jacque has talent. Not as much as Levi of course, but enough, and this close to opening the only way is forward.

“Alright with Jaque this time. And five, six, seven, eight.”

xXxXxXx

Levi doesn’t sulk, but he does occasionally let himself be overcome with melancholy, and he may allow himself a few moments of respite hidden in a corner during that time. Usually, he’s quick to hide in an unused studio or up on the mezzanine level few others use. Only today he wasn’t prepared for it, and instead he gave in while sitting in his favorite window seat in the main hallway. He definitely does not sulk, but it might look like he was sulking if you walked by during one of these moments, and unfortunately for him, Erwin Smith has done just that.

“What’s wrong with you Levi, the pressure of your first principal show finally getting to you.”

Erwin’s tone is light, and Levi knows he’s just giving him a hard time, but he’s never in the mood to be teased, even less so when it’s regarding his inability to do his job.

“You know how important this is to me Erwin, but it’s more than that. It’s important to the entire company, and they’re all looking to me to lead them through it. If I make one mistake, every other troupe member goes down with me. It’s a lot to ask of the others, to follow me, to trust me. I don’t care about myself, I just don’t want to let them down. I don’t want to let you or Lilia down either.”

Levi’s never been one to sugar coat things or hide the truth, has always lived by the motto of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Of course he isn’t an open book either, but Erwin has earned his respect and his honesty.

“Wow man, you talk like we’re going to battle. It’s just ballet Levi, it’s not life or death.” He chuckles to himself before taking a seat beside the dancer and staring out the window at the snow-covered trees below.

“Isn’t it though? For god sakes Erwin, you own this ballet company. Aren’t you putting your life in my hands every time I dance? If I do poorly and the show suffers, doesn’t that hurt your bottom line?”

Levi may not have a great head for business, but if there’s anything someone that comes from nothing knows it’s that money runs the world - no one does anything for free. Erwin and Lilia didn’t give him this shot because they like him, they gave it to him because he’s the best, and the better he is the better the show is and ultimately, the more successful the ballet and business are. Levi was chosen because he has the best chance of making them money, and that’s not something he’s soon to forget.

“Don’t take this the wrong way Levi, but money isn’t a big concern for me. I bought this ballet because I loved coming to it, I loved watching the dancers tell a story with nothing but their bodies. It could completely go under and the lost investment wouldn’t do much to my portfolio as a whole.”

It’s a slap in the face when Erwin talks like that, a painful reminder that those born into wealth rarely appreciate it while those born into poverty want nothing more than a scrap thrown their way. Even with his cavalier attitude, Levi knows the ballet is important to Erwin, even if he doesn’t need the money. More importantly, it’s important to him and his peers.

“Just try to enjoy yourself, you’ve worked hard for this. One man can’t carry the world on his shoulders Levi.”

Erwin stands then, holds out a hand for Levi to take. Only Levi decides instead to push himself up and stand without the help, not one to take handouts, not even literally.

“Maybe, but I can certainly try.”

He turns then and heads into an empty studio. The next hour he marks his routine over and over, stopping and resting when his aging body demands it. It’s so much easier this way without the pressure of Lilia or Erwin or Jaque. He lets himself get lost in the music as it plays from his phone, remembers the first time he saw the Nutcracker with Petra and how much the dancer playing the Clara resembled his mother. How it reminded him of her love of Christmas and how she’d go out of her way every year to make it special for him, to get him a gift for his birthday no matter the cost. After that he couldn’t watch it without thinking of his mother, without it bringing him to tears. Eventually, it became his annual birthday tradition to watch it again every year just to feel close to her again. He never told the others about that though, didn’t want to give some sob story to get the lead. He knows he’s lost sight of why he wanted this in the first place, of the joy that dance brought him, but maybe, just maybe, he’s ready to find it again.

He walks back into the studio to find Lilia running through the dance of the dolls with the company dancers. When they finish, she turns to him, looks him up and down. She must be content with what she sees, because instead of having the dolls dance again she says, “Levi, I see you’ve returned. Are you ready to get serious?”

He doesn’t respond verbally, instead moving to the center of the room and getting into his first position. Lilia just nods to herself before shooing the ballerinas away and counting off Levi’s music again.

xXxXxXx

“Everyone gather round. I’d like you all to give a warm welcome to the newest recruits.“ Erwin’s voice booms throughout the mostly empty auditorium, echoing off the walls only to fall on unoccupied seats.

“They’ve come to help us get the sounds we’ve been after, and I have the utmost confidence that they’ll be caught up with the rest of the group in no time. Please take a minute to come introduce yourselves and get acquainted.” He places a hand on Eren’s shoulder before gesturing for him to step forward and meet the dancers. It’s the first day of rehearsal and he’s trying desperately to put a smile on his face and shake hands but after an 18 hour flight in which he found out his layover was actually an airport change, an hour taxi ride, and 3 hours of sleep on a rock hard mattress he’s running on fumes. Still, he’s able to make it through the pleasantries, the _“where are you from”_ s and _“what do you play”_ s just fine. Or at least mostly just fine, until a young female dancer with a short blonde pixie cut bounces up to introduce herself, bringing a familiar short tempered dancer along with her.

At first Eren can’t do anything other than stand there frozen in the moment - his jaw slackened and a look of fury and confusion etched across his face. If he thinks hard back to it, he knew that Levi was going to Russia to join a ballet company. But the chances that he’d be in this particular company never even crossed Eren’s mind. He really fucking wishes it had though so that he’d be more prepared for this moment, but nothing he can do about it now other than try and at least close his goddamn mouth.

“You grew up brat.” Levi tries to keep the mood light, playful, but there’s a cautious reserve in his tone he uses only in the most delicate situations. Nanaba for her part hasn’t said anything, realized immediately upon seeing the two’s interaction that there’s history here.

Eren finally manages to shake himself out of his daze, only to put a fake smile on his face give Levi his best fuck off stare.

“Yeah well, that’s what seven years will do to you. You look good, I can see your thirties are treating you well.” He’s happy he’s able to get his mouth working and force a complete sentence out, and even happier when he realizes it’s dripping with venom and witty as hell. Eren 1, Levi 0.

“Tch, I’m still in my twenties smartass.” Despite his careful indifference, Eren can tell he struck a chord, can hear the hint of insecurity hidden beneath the quip and eats it up.

“Not for long.” Eren turns his head to catch the women beside them smirking, clearly enjoying seeing Levi get his ass handed to him.

“Blow me Nanaba.” Levi tries to leave the situation and move on to meet another musician but Nanaba throws an arm around his shoulders and pulls him in closer.

“I tried! You said you were as straight as the rainbow and then made out with that guy at the bar.” She ruffles his hair just to add insult to injury, then jumps quickly out of the way right before his arms swipe around to catch her.

“Remind me never to speak to you again.” And this time there’s no hiding his embarrassment and frustration. Eren (and Nanaba) 2, Levi 0.

“Oh man, you’re my new favorite person. I’m Eren.” He holds his hand out to Nanaba who takes it gladly. Levi’s pretty sure an unspoken alliance has just formed in front of him, but he does his best to put that thought out of his mind, too worried what these two could do to him if they worked together.

“Pleased to meet you hot stuff. How do you know our favorite angry little prima ballerina here?” If looks could kill Nanaba would have a crater in the back of her head, but fortunately for her Levi’s not actually capable of murder.

“We went to college together. I was a few years behind, music major. My best friend did ballet with Levi.” Levi’s pleasantly surprised that Eren’s chosen to take the high road and keep things professional instead of dragging him and their sexual relations through the mud. Maybe he isn’t such a brat after all.

“Aww how cute! And now you've reunited after all these years. It’s kismet I tell ya, kismet!”

“Yeah well I don’t know about all that. Can’t say I ever wanted to run into the guy that broke my heart again. At least I look better than he does.” And there it is - the inevitable outing of their past tryst. So much for not being a brat. He is definitely a brat, and a mouthy one at that.

“I’m standing right here you little shit.” When Levi’s protest is met with grins from Eren and Nanaba, he decides they’ve caught up enough and starts to head to the locker room. Like hell he’s going to let that kid come into his domain, out him, and talk shit about him being old. He only makes it a few steps before Eren’s voice rings out behind him and stops him in his tracks.

“Yeah, and you’re still the same cold prick that you were back then. I liked you Levi, like really liked you, and you just used me for a quick fuck and then never talked to me again. I have a right to be pissed at you.” It’s subtle, but Levi can tell immediately that Eren’s dropped the scorned ex-boyfriend act and is being sincere. If he’d have known that Eren would still feel this way all these years later, he would have made an effort to let him down easier.

He runs a hand through his hair and takes a deep breath before accepting the inevitable and turning back to face him. He walks forward until the two are only inches apart, then stares straight up to meet Eren’s gaze.

“Listen, that’s not how it -”

“It’s how it happened for me.” Eren’s words cut through his thoughts, quiet and honest and only for him to hear. He’s not making a show out of this anymore, has probably forgotten Nanaba is even still there. Only she is, and so is the rest of the company, and Levi really would like to keep this conversation a bit more private.

He gestures to the side of the room, glad that Eren takes the hint and follows him to a quieter corner. “Look Eren, I’m sorry that’s how you felt. But if I’m being entirely honest, you weren’t really on my radar before that night. I mean yeah, I knew you were Izzy’s friend, but I never thought much more about it than that. I thought you just liked checking out the girls when I danced with them - I mean you did have a reputation around the studio as being a total fuck boy. Hell, I didn’t even realize you batted for both teams until you came over and she whispered in my ear how you’d been talking about how much you wanted me that I put the two together. And I thought, why not have some fun, that’s all this guy wants anyway. I was totally caught off guard when you were being all clingy the next day.”

Eren doesn’t say anything for a while, clearly too lost in his thoughts to form the right words. Levi’s been there himself more times than he’d like to admit, and he’s a patient guy, so he gives Eren some time to take it all in. Eventually he lifts his head and sits up straight, his face set in a hard line, resolute.

“Well I’m sorry that me being nice to you and wanting to get to know you was so uncomfortable. I promise I won’t make the same mistake twice.” He stands and heads back to the group, but not before turning to the dancer still lurking just beside them. “It was nice to meet you Nanaba, I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around.”

“Bye sweetie!” Nanaba gives him a gentle smile and small wave before watching him walk back to his place with the others. She can tell the conversation was a rough one, because Levi is definitely about to be in one of his somber moods. She knows it, can see the conflict on his face, but she also knows he’s extremely hard-headed, and she can’t help but take the chance to drive this one home.

“He’s cute Levi, you fucked up.” She sits beside him, playfully throws an elbow into his ribs.

“Trust me Nana, I did that kid a favor. I’m no prize.” It’s the kind of thing someone says right before they go off about how awful they are or start listing their flaws. The type of thing someone says so that their friends will reassure them they’re wrong, will offer encouragement and solace.

Nanaba decides to go a different, much more realistic route. So instead of comforting him, she stands, pats his head and says, “Ain’t that the truth.” before heading back to join the others and leaving Levi alone with his thoughts.

xXxXxXx

Rehearsal goes smooth enough for the next few weeks - Eren and the other musicians do their best to catch up and learn the new pieces while Levi and the dancers tackle the challenging footwork. They definitely aren’t friends, but they’ve managed to behave professionally whenever forced to interact and despite everything there’s a mutual appreciation for the others talent that they can’t deny.

There’s a particularly challenging piece of music played during the Mouse King battle that the orchestra never seemed to get right before, and it always caused Levi to lose count and miss a step. Today though, he finds that the music rings true and his counts are right and his jump is clean, like all the pieces of a very intricate puzzle finally coming together. He makes a point to stay afterward and let the new musicians, Eren included, know how grateful he is that they’ve managed to get things back on track. Only Levi’s never been great at compliments, so instead of saying “That was the best I’ve ever heard it played,” he says, “You guys didn’t suck.”

Eren lets out a chuckle before flicking the hair out of his eyes and giving Levi a small smile.

“Gee, thanks man.” It’s a simple response, definitely nicer than he probably deserved, but Levi can’t even comprehend it. Instead, he’s too lost in the other man’s eyes and the way they sparkle brighter than any gem he’s ever seen. He must be staring because Eren laughs again, only this time it’s tinged with discomfort and Levi can’t help but immediately start backpedaling.

“Shit, I mean that it sounded a lot better than the last group did.”

“What last group?” Eren and the others stop rustling through their belongings, all eager to be privy to this inside information.

“They didn’t tell you guys? Erwin got pissed and fired half the orchestra in late September, told them he was going to _‘hand pick a group of strings who knew what the hell they were doing.’_ Two weeks later, you six showed up.” Levi tries his best to downplay the events, afraid if he told them that Erwin had literally thrown a few of the previous musicians out that they’d get cold feet and be on the next plane home.

“I knew this was a big opportunity, but I had no idea that had happened.” Eren gives Levi another dazzling smile, but this time he’s prepared for it. He’s nearly in his thirties, he isn’t going to get weak-kneed every time this dude smiles at him.

“Well he clearly did a good job choosing you all. It was much easier to dance to than the previous groups’ attempt.”

“We both know you could dance to new wave jazz and still make it look beautiful.” Alright well fucking hell, maybe he isn’t going to get weak-kneed every time the dude smiles but if he also keeps complimenting his dancing like that they might have a problem. Or at least Levi will have a problem. A really embarrassing _I’m-too-old-to-have-a-crush_ problem.  

Levi’s thankful that the others take the hint that this conversation has gotten more personal and go back to packing up their stuff, quickly setting their things in order for tomorrow’s practice before leaving the two men alone.

“Damn kid, thought you weren’t going to be nice to me this time.” Levi takes a seat in one of the now empty chairs beside Eren and throws his feet up onto one of the metal music stands in front of him. He’s met with a side glance from Eren but no verbal protest, so he stays put.

“Yeah well I tried, but I’m not great at holding grudges. Besides, we’re working together, might as well keep things friendly.” It sounds innocent enough, and the kid probably couldn’t seduce his way out of a paper bag, but he did have a reputation in college for a reason, and Levi isn’t going to let this guy work his charms on him, not even for a minute. If he’s honest with himself though, being friendly with Eren doesn’t sound so bad.

“I’d like that Eren. I really am sorry, about everything. I didn’t want to hurt you - the opposite actually. Do you hate me for what I did?” The words escape him before he can stop them, and he’s left feeling bare, his fear laid out on the line between them.

“No, I know you thought you had to, that you didn’t want me to get attached right before you graduated. Izzy told me after you left. It was hard, but I see now what you were trying to protect me from. I actually started dating this guy right at the end of school, and when I moved back to Trost he ended up going with me. We moved in together right away, been together ever since. I wonder if I had done the same thing you did and told him no how different my life would be now.” Levi’s glad to know Eren’s been able to forgive him, but instead of feeling relieved he feels anxious. He can tell Eren’s waiting for him to say something, so he asks the obvious question.

“You’re still together though, that’s a good thing right?” He tries to push his own feelings aside and focus on Eren’s, only he can’t escape his unease, can’t shake it off even though he and Eren are friends now and that’s what he wanted after all. But it doesn’t explain why he feels so disappointed, and why he suddenly pictures Voldemort in place of Eren’s just now mentioned boyfriend.

“I’m trying to figure that out actually. This was an opportunity for a lot of things, getting some space was one of them.” Fuck, that really shouldn’t make Levi feel this happy, shouldn’t make him feel anything really, but he can’t deny that it definitely does. Then again, Eren’s clearly conflicted, and he wouldn’t be a very good friend if he didn’t at least offer some sound advice.

“I see. Well, try to make the choice you’ll regret the least. That’s the only good advice I’ve ever gotten.” He doesn’t mention that it came from Erwin - the last thing that guy needs is a bigger ego.

Eren smiles at him before standing up and slinging his bass over his back, ready to head out for the evening. He looks thoughtful, a bit sad even, but there’s something else there, a spark of hope, and Levi hopes he was the one to ignite it.

“Thanks Levi, I’ll keep that in mind.”


	10. Green Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russia - November-December

November rushes in and brings with it a flurry of white, coating everything in the city in snow. Levi had always hated winter, the product of spending a childhood shoveling snow in Stohess only to have it return days later, a vicious four month long cycle. The piercing chill of the cold wasn’t at the top of his list either, and Russia definitely delivered on that front. All in all, he usually did his best to spend his winter indoors, happy to never set a foot outside unless absolutely necessary. Levi hated winter just as he hated most things that were inconvenient, but something was able to coax him to tolerate it this year. That something, Levi knew, was Eren.

It had started innocently enough - Eren grew up in Trost where snow was a pleasant surprise not a daily source of irritation, so when the first flakes fell he lead the charge outside to make snowmen and angels. Nanaba was right behind him of course, Hitch and Marlowe not far behind. A few other dancers joined in as well, and while he stayed firmly on both feet, Levi did indulge in helping decorate one of the newly formed snowmen.

The second time it happened was much less charming. Levi was on his way into the building when a puff of white exploded on the side of his head, sending him reeling to the side only to trip and fall into an entire pile of the stuff. It took him a few seconds to right himself and realize he had been an innocent bystander in Eren and Gelgar’s snowball fight. On the one hand, it was a freak accident and he knew they meant no harm, but on the other, he was now covered in snow and completely disheveled, so there was only once choice: they had to pay.

The next day both Eren and Gelgar showed up to practice bright red, covered head to toe in snow, too caught off guard by Levi’s assault to escape it. There were no more snowball fights after that, clear dominance having been displayed.

Levi may have taken the title of snowball fight master, but there were still other parts of winter he knew nothing about. Of course Eren didn’t know much about them either, but leave it to him to be great at gliding over ice on knife shoes on his first try while Levi stumbled about like Bambi, clinging to the walls whenever he could get close enough to grab them. And as if that wasn’t enough, as if his natural athleticism and the way his skating tights hugged all the right curves wasn’t enough, he also made it a point to help the others who were struggling by taking their hand and skating them around the rink with him. Levi did his best to hide his jealousy as Eren and Moblit passed by him hand in hand, laughing and smiling and having the audacity to enjoy their time together in front of him. He knew it probably wasn’t personal, but Eren had made a point to take every other person in their group out on the ice except Levi, and it certainly _felt_ personal.

Not that Levi had any right to give a shit either way - he and Eren were just friends, Eren had a boyfriend back home, and Levi was the one who blew him off in the first place. Still, he couldn’t deny the way his heart rate quickened every time Eren was near or the few seconds too long he’d let himself stare at that perfectly formed ass when he walked by. He tried to convince himself it was natural, they’d had great sex once, he was only drawn to Eren because of that. Only he didn’t just want to fuck Eren - although he would definitely be okay with that - he wanted to hold his hand and skate around the stupid rink with him, wanted to drink hot coco together after and talk about their hopes and fears. Fuck he wanted to know the dude’s middle name and his favorite colour and every other mundane fact about him because somehow over the past month and a half Eren had completely captivated his every waking moment and Levi was powerless to do anything about it.

He decides enough is enough when they circle by once more, hands still clasped tightly. He almost makes it to the opening of the rink when a familiar presence overwhelms him. He turns to see Eren standing beside him, a gloved hand held out in offering to him. Moblit and the others are nowhere to be seen, and for a minute Levi assumes Eren is just offering to help him off the ice so they can go home.

“Hey Levi, I saw that you and the wall were really hitting it off today, but I thought you might want to try taking a few laps with me.” Levi gives Eren his best side eye, but he can’t help the small smile that picks at the corner of his mouth.

“Nah, I think what the wall and I have is really special. Wouldn’t want some cute brat getting between us.” It isn’t until Eren’s breath catches and his eyes widen that Levi realizes his mistake, but he quickly shakes it off and takes Levi’s hands, guiding them both onto the ice before Levi can say anything to cover up his Freudian slip.

They stay that way for a while, Eren silently guiding Levi while he attempts to follow without falling on his ass. In retrospect, this was a terrible idea, and Lilia would murder both of them if he fell and got injured, but he can’t be bothered to mind when he feels the warmth of Eren’s hands seeping into his own. They make it a few laps before Levi gestures to the side wall and Eren guides them both off the ice. He quickly takes off his skates and heads to the return window, but not before giving Levi an uncharacteristically shy smile and saying, “Thanks Levi, glad I saved the best for last.”

Levi turns away quickly to hide the blush on his face, tries to cover up just how affected he is by deflecting the compliment as quickly as possible. “Tch, whatever dude, you just wanted to remind me how much better you are at this than I am.”

Only Eren doesn’t relent, doesn’t walk away defeated. Instead the comment seems to encourage him, so he leans down and whispers, “Maybe, or maybe I wanted an excuse to hold a cute guy’s hands.”

As if the comment isn’t enough, he fucking winks at Levi before walking away, leaving him red faced and half hard at a family friendly ice rink. Yeah, this winter is definitely different, and it’s all Eren’s fault, only Levi can’t bring himself to be mad about it.

xXxXxXx

Another week passes before Levi lets himself speak to Eren again. The space has helped him see clearly that what happened with Eren was just some harmless flirting, nothing to be concerned about. He has more important things - like perfecting his jumps and getting his footwork right - to worry about. Eren, for his part, hasn’t made an effort to contact him either, and he seems to have buckled down and shifted his attention back to his job as well. It should be a good thing, both of them focusing on what they’re here to do instead of eachother, but there’s a sense of loss Levi can’t explain. It’s hard enough not hanging out with Eren, but in addition to being kind, funny, and really good looking, Eren’s also an undeniably talented musician, and Levi loves listening to him practice. It was happenstance the first few weeks - Levi would find himself staying late to practice after the others left, only to realize that Eren had as well. Eventually he started timing his evenings so that they’d be there the same time, even moving his practice from the main studio to a smaller one next door to the orchestra room. Eventually he stopped playing his own music, choosing instead to leave the door open and let the sound of Eren’s bass waft in. He knows it’s silly, but he can’t help but feel like he danced better when it was Eren playing, like his movements were stronger, more fluid when accompanied by the other man’s music. His favorite nights were the ones when he’d put away his bass and let himself play guitar for a bit. He brought the keen eye and clear perspective of a classically trained musician to an instrument most often played by angsty teens, and for Levi there was no sweeter sound in the world.

When the others start to head home that evening, Levi grabs his stuff and heads to the small studio he’s become accustomed to. He really does need to stay tonight and work through the Variation solo, but he has ulterior motives - Levi knows that Eren will be practicing late, and he’s made it a point to do the same so he could listen to him play, having decided that a week is long enough to go without at least that bit of contact. It goes according to plan at first, he lets the sound of Eren’s bass fill the room as he goes through his stretches and warm ups. Eventually he has to close the door and play the right music, but after an hour he lets himself venture out into the hallway in the hopes of catching more.

At first there’s nothing but silence and the wind howling outside, and Levi fears that Eren’s already called it a night. He finds himself walking towards the orchestra room but stops just inches short of going inside when that familiar tone resonates from inside it. It’s his favorite of the tune’s Eren plays, slow and fluid and hauntingly beautiful, a somber lullaby he can’t help but sway to. He lets himself get lost to the sound, spins in a loose circle, dances through his step sequence before ending in a graceful arabesque just as the song comes to an end. He stays there for a few breaths, expecting another song to start up quickly. Only instead of the sound of music he’s greeted with heavy footsteps and the thud of the door being thrown open. The light pours out from the room, floods into the hallway, surrounds Eren on all sides. Levi doesn’t believe in Heaven or Hell or any of that stuff, but he’d be lying after this moment if he said he’d never seen an angel before.

“For such a graceful dancer you’re shit at sneaking around.” Eren crosses his arms over his chest, leans against the door frame and gives Levi that signature toothy grin, the one that melts his heart and stiffens his cock.

“Yeah, what makes you think I didn’t want to be caught.” He tries to play it off cool, to save face, but they both know it’s futile.

“The deep red blush on your cheeks is a pretty good indicator.”

Levi knows he’s right, but he can’t help but huff out, “Tch, still got a mouth on you I see.”

He expects Eren to blow it off, maybe give him an eye roll. He definitely doesn’t expect him to lean in close and whisper in his ear,“Yeah well I’m sure you remember that it’s better for more than just talking.”

Levi jumps back as if the words have burnt him, desperately puts a foot of space between them so he can clear his mind. They stay like that, staring intently at each other for what feels like hours before Eren drops the act and bursts into a deep booming laugh. It’s just what Levi needs to relax, even chuckles to himself before asking, “Damn, not gonna let me live that one down are you?”

“No judgement man, pretty sure I said I was going to blow your mind.”

“Well don’t beat yourself up over it, it was a good night afterall. Top five at least.”

“Wow, thanks. Coming from you that’s a big compliment.”

“Fucking ouch dude, and here I thought you were a nice guy. I guess I deserved that thought.”

“You did. Anyway, why were you lurking around?” The question stops the friendly banter in its tracks, and Levi suddenly becomes unsure and insecure.

“I don’t lurk Eren.”  He isn’t ready to admit that he stuck around to listen to him play, but he’s backed into a corner and Eren seems to see through him like a window.

“Fine, why are you still here then? Wasn’t your practice over an hour ago?”

Levi isn’t ready to admit that he stuck around to listen to Eren play, that he’s done it countless times, but it looks like he’s going to anyway because they’ve only got a few weeks left and he’d really like to spend them together.

“I like time to myself to practice. And I like listening to you play guitar. That song in particular. What’s the name of that piece?” He tries to keep the tone casual, does his best to hide the fear and vulnerability in his voice. He’s put himself out there and he really hopes Eren meets him halfway.

To his surprise, Eren doesn’t say anything at first, just stares at him with an unreadable expression. LEvi’s about to give up on the entire fiasco when Eren steps to the side and gestures for him to come into the room with him.

Levi enters reluctantly, still unsure of Eren’s intentions but too intrigued to give up now that he’s gotten this far.  Eren closes the door behind them before walking back over to his chair. He sits down and pulls up his guitar, starts to strum out the first few notes and says, “Mendelssohn's Auf Flügeln des Gesanges. It’s my favorite.”

Levi smiles at the site - it’s the first time he’s actually gotten to watch Eren play guitar, and the site is more than he bargained for. This is a different side of Eren, a kinder, softer one. The rich play boy mask he often wears has been discarded, thrown aside so that Levi can see the real him if only just for this moment.

“I guessed as much. You play it a lot.”

Eren chuckles but continues to play softly, just loud enough for the pair to hear. “You noticed that huh? My mother grew up listening to it in Germany and she used to play it for me a lot when I was a child. It was her favorite, so now it’s mine.”

Levi knows all about dead mothers too well, so treads forward as carefully as possible. “Is she still around to play it for you?”

“Well not here in Russia, but she’s still alive if that’s what you meant. She’s usually too busy practicing to play something just for the joy of it, but every once in awhile when she’s having a difficult practice she’ll put her sheet music away, close her eyes, and let this song flow from her fingertips. It’s like hitting the restart button, you know? She always plays the new stuff better afterwards.”

Levi files the fact that Eren’s mother is also a musician aware for later, one more piece of the puzzle that is this complicated man. “So that’s why you play it then? A cleanser between difficult pieces?”

“That’s part of it. Bass wasn’t my first choice though, so for me it’s a way to turn off of work mode and do something just for myself. Not because I have to, but because I want to.” Eren lets the last few notes flow from his guitar as he brings the song to a close.

“That sounds nice.”

“It is. You should try it.”

Levi thinks about his own practice, how he hasn’t been able to really nail a few routines yet. It’s getting close to opening night, and he really needs to get them down. Maybe Eren’s method could work for him as well.

“Yeah? And what exactly should I do?”

“You should dance for me. Right here, right now.”

It’s definitely not what Levi expected, and while he’s performed in front of thousands before, dancing just for Eren feels much more terrifying. “You know one usually requires music to dance.”

“All right, I’ll play, you dance. Got a song in mind?”

And fuck, there it is, that genuine brilliant smile, those kind eyes saying everything he won’t. Levi is putty in his hands, and they both know it. He gives in, knows there’s no point fighting anymore. He’d do anything Eren asked him to right now, so the least he can do is be a willing participant.

“Would it be alright if you played the Mendelssohn again? I’ve sort of got something in mind for it already, might be nice to get it out of my head and onto the dance floor.”

“Sure. I’d like that.”

Eren sits back, lifts his guitar into place. He lets his fingers dance over the frets lightly, his opposite hand strumming unconsciously, plucking at the strings the same way he had all those times before. The song starts slowly, the first few notes drifting out, heavy and deep, the perfect balance of hope and sorrow.

Levi moves cautiously at first, small calculated steps that are technically perfect but lack any emotion. It takes a few measures for him to get more comfortable and let go of his inhibitions, to start to let the music flow through him instead of just around him. It isn’t until he closes his eyes that he becomes fully lost to the rhythm, isn’t until he lets himself forget his audience that the steps fall into place and his jumps rise and fall with the melody and his spins fall in time with the chorus.

When the last few notes drift out and his mind travels back to the present, he becomes uncomfortably aware of the pair of bright green eyes boring into him. He feels exposed in a way he never has before, and he can’t bring himself to turn and meet Eren’s gaze, too afraid of what he might find there. Instead he lets his head hang forward until his hair falls to cover his face, counts to ten before he even allows himself to open his eyes. Not that he needed to wait even that long, sensed Eren’s presence beside him after the fourth count. When he finally musters the courage to stand tall and make eye contact, he’s met with the softest expression he’s even seen, the most genuine smile ever directed at him. Eren doesn’t say anything at first, just takes his hand tentatively in his own and gives it a tight squeeze, tries to portray all the emotions coursing through him in that one action, too afraid to try and verbalize them. Levi gets it - he’s never been great with words himself, often finds himself dissatisfied with their inability to fully convey the entirety of his thoughts.

Eventually Eren lets go, but not before whispering a small, “Thank you Levi.”

xXxXxXx

It’s been three days since he danced for him, but Eren still can’t stop thinking about the other man. Every time his mind wanders it takes him back to that night and he can’t help but remember every moment they spent together then - his quiet laugh, the way his eyes sparkled in the dim light of the studio, the way his hand was so soft, how it felt so right tangled with his own. And even now, days later, even though they haven’t actually spoken since he can’t help but steal glances whenever they’re in the same room, can’t resist the urge to look over his practice schedule and see when they’ll meet again. Fuck he’s even gone out of his way to look nice on the days he thinks they may see each other, lingering longer than necessary after rehearsal just to catch a glimpse of him. So here he is, lurking in the empty auditorium, tuning his instrument for the fourth time just to have a chance at bumping into Levi on his way out. He knows it’s stupid - he has a boyfriend back home, someone he’s committed to even if he’s not sure what he wants now. But Jean doesn’t make his palms sweaty or his heart beat like this, and he sure as hell wouldn’t go out of his way just to hope to see him. But there’s something about Levi, something about how easily they shared the same space, how the words never felt forced, how instantly at ease he felt in his presence that draws him back every time.

He’s finally given up and packed up when he hears the door open and the sound of footsteps echo through the hall. When he looks over one of the dancers steps past him, but that isn’t what gets his attention. Levi is standing on the opposite side, also starring at the dancer, only to now turn his attention to Eren instead. And fuck, there it is, that smile that melts his heart. He isn’t even sure when he moved towards the other man but they’re close before he can register the action and Levi’s talking but he doesn’t really understand the words, too overwhelmed with the elation he feels just being in his presence. There’s nothing remarkable about the conversation anyway, the usual pleasantries, the how are yous, and Levi has to leave less than a minute after he came, but the simple interaction is everything he didn’t know he wanted. His skin is clear, his crops are growing, and maybe, just maybe he really is into this dude because there’s no way that 30 seconds of talking should make someone feel this happy but it _has_.

xXxXxXx

After their secret duet they quickly went from keeping their distance to nearly inseparable, having spent most nights practicing together or relaxing at their favorite bar with the others over the past couple weeks. Tonight is one of those nights, and despite opening night looming on the horizon everyone has made an effort to come out and join in the revelry, even the usually reclusive Levi. Levi has a penchant for vodka that leaves him loose lipped and Eren wears his heart on his sleeve, so it’s no secret to anyone that the two of them have forged a deep companionship, but Nanaba is still surprised to find out first hand just how comfortable the two have become.

She and Levi have just ordered their third round of drinks when a very tipsy Eren sashes up to the duo and says, “I lost a close friend today.”

Levi doesn’t say anything, just takes Eren’s empty cup from his hand and pours half of his own beer into it so they’re one even footing.

Nanaba immediately gets quite, puts an arm around Eren and says, “Oh my god I’m so sorry sweetie.” She rubs his shoulder and gives Levi ber best side eye, but he just chuckles darkly into his beer, still refusing to say anything.

Just when Nanaba is about to lay into him for being a shitty friend, Eren hiccups, plasters a smile across his face, then slurs his words as he turns to Levi and says, “Yeah, my dick died. Would it be okay if I buried it in your ass?”

Levi lifts an eyebrow but doesn’t give any other indication he heard the lewd pick up line. Nanaba on the other hand slaps Eren across the back of the head and angrily whispers, “You can’t say shit like that idiot you’re going to out yourself! We’re in Russia, moron.”

Levi finally sets his now empty beer glass down, then turns to face Eren. He looks him up and down before letting a smirk dance across his face and asking, “Roses or daisies?”

Eren’s smile falters, and he lets out a confused, “What?”

Nanaba suddenly remembers exactly where this is going, but before she can stop him Levi explains, “I need to know what flowers to put on your casket when I murder your ass.”

Nanaba stomps away covered in the beer that Eren spit out in response, leaving one embarrassed musician and one immensely happy ballet dancer.

An hour later Levi decides it’s time to pack it in, but Eren has slipped away and no one seems to know where to. He doesn’t think much of it at first, finishes his drink, apologizes to Nanaba for the ruined blouse, says goodnight to the others. He makes a few rounds of the bar, checks the bathroom, the patio. The longer he looks the more he can’t help the uneasy feeling rising in the pit of his stomach. Eren may be a brat, but he isn’t usually irresponsible, and the last time Levi saw him he was pretty fucked up. He tries his cell but gets no response, and as the seconds turn into minutes his fears only amplify. He’s about to go into full on panic mode when he remembers that drunk Eren occasionally opts for a cigarette, so he heads to search the back alley as a last resort.

The first thing he realizes when he steps into the street is that it’s late and cold. The second, and immediately more relevant thing he realizes, is that he isn’t alone. He takes in the sobering sight before him, Eren with a busted lip pinned against the brick wall, and three nameless, faceless, soon to be dead men standing around him.

“Hey! I suggest you three get out of here right the fuck now. You’re going to regret it if you don’t.” His words ring out strong and clear, and he silently thanks whatever deity cares to listen.

Two of the men immediately take a step back, but the one holding Eren by the shirt makes a point to shove him into the wall again in defiance, baiting Levi. “Oh yeah, and what the fuck are you going to do?”

“Kick your ass.” The threat is more growl than words, and he’s sure he looks menacing because the two slightly less stupid guys try to encourage their friend to leave. He shrugs them off, throws Eren to the floor and turns his sights on Levi instead.

“Oh yeah? And why should we be afraid of a little fairy like you? You’re small, so if I were you I’d run before we decide to beat your ass along with your little boyfriend’s.” Eren groans something unintelligible, and Levi has to do everything in his power to stay put and not rush to his side.

“Last warning. Leave him alone and get the fuck out of my sight.” Levi stares the man down, holds his stance strong. He can’t back down, can’t show any fear - Eren’s life depends on it.

“Fuck off pansy boy.” The man lunges at Levi arm outstretched. There’s just enough light from the streetlight above for Levi to notice the reflection off the object in his hand. He’d be lying if he said this was his first knife fight, but it’s definitely the first one since he left Stohess behind and he sure as hell isn’t properly equipped for this shit right now. Thankfully his kickboxing reflexes do most of the work for him, and he’s able to dodge the attack and get a solid roundhouse kick into the back of the guys head as he passes. The man rights himself, tries to get a few more jabs in but his assault is sloppy and uncoordinated, clearly not trained in proper knife techniques. Levi uses that information to his advantage, dodges a few more attacks until the man is mostly worn out.

He lands one lucky punch on the side of Levi’s  face that nearly throws him off balance, but he’s able to steady himself and take the opening it presented to aim one hard solid kick into the dudes groin. He drops the knife, grabs for his manhood and falls to his knees. It’s the exact result Levi hoped for, and he wastes no time flipping over the man back and throwing an arm around his neck. He struggles a bit, but after wasting most of his energy trying to stab him, it only takes a moment for Levi to render him unconscious. When he finally releases the man he finds the other two are nowhere in sight, Eren’s limp body left forgotten on the pavement.

When he’s sure the man isn’t going to wake up any time soon, he pulls out his phone and sends Erwin a quick text before rushing to Eren’s side. He’s a bit bruised up but nothing serious, most likely just passed out from the alcohol and the cold. Levi does his best to get him up and walking but he isn’t able to coax much out of the younger man. Eventually Erwin shows up and helps Levi get Eren into his car and back to their dormitory. When they arrive to his room, his roomate Marlowe answers the door, half asleep and clearly irritated. When he takes in the site before him however, he bursts into action, helps the other men get Eren settled before getting him some much needed water and food. Levi wants desperately to stay and see he’s taken care of, but he has an early morning practice tomorrow and he really needs to get home and get his own injuries attended to, so he and Erwin leave once Marlowe assures them for the fourth time that he’s got it under control.

xXxXxXx

Eren texts Levi non stop for the rest of the weekend, but he makes a point not to respond other than reassuring Eren he’s fine and that he’ll see him Monday. He’s not trying to be a dick, but he really can’t stand to talk to the other man right now. The truth is that he is abso-fucking-lutely not fine, and his physical injuries have nothing to do with that.

He’s not fine, because he can’t get the image of Eren’s limp body out of his mind. He’s not fine, because he knows that asshole is out there and the cops aren’t going to do anything about it. He’s not fine, because he can’t stop thinking about what could have happened if he hadn’t shown up when he did and known how to fight. But mostly he’s not fine because the entire mess made him see instantly the depth of his feelings for Eren - Eren who has a boyfriend back home - and now he can’t unsee them any more than someone can unsee the sun or the moon or the color green once it’s burned into their retinas.

When Monday rehearsal with the entire group finally arrives he tries to dodge running into anyone, especially Eren, but his plan is thwarted instantly when the musician gets word of his arrival and forces his way into the changing rooms. He barges in despite the protests from the dancers, a clear goal in mind. When he reaches Levi he grabs his shoulder and turns him around quickly, only to recoil back the instant he sees his face.

“Oh my god Levi, I thought you said you were okay!” It’s more of a whisper than a scream, but it resonates around the room nonetheless and the other dancers do their best to get dressed and as far away from the conversation as possible all too aware of Levi’s wrath when personal issues are made public.

“Calm your tits Eren, it’s just a black eye.” He turns back to his locker and finishes dressing, does his best to act relaxed and calm about the ordeal so that Eren won’t know just how big of a problem it really is.

“Levi you’re the Nutcracker Prince and Opening Night is in less than a week. No amount of stage makeup is going to cover that.” Levi grimaces - the brat is smarter than he looks. Still he knows there’s hope as long as Lilia doesn’t get wind of this, so he tries to be rational.

“That’s where you’re wrong. If they can cover Nana’s stupid elephant tattoos on her shoulder, they can cover this. It’ll be fine Eren, I just need to make sure Lilia doesn’t see it. She’s already on my case about my lack of focus lately. If she sees this then Jacque is going to be replacing me.” Eren opens his mouth to protest but shuts it quickly instead. He repeats the action, over and over, looks like a fish suffocating on air, probably feels like one too since he can’t find the words to say right now. Eventually he takes a deep breath before stepping back towards Levi and saying, “Are you serious right now? You’re already on thin ice and then you do something careless like this? How stupid are you Levi?”

The words cut deeper than any knife ever could, an injury more profound and more painful than any Levi’s gained at the hands of his enemies. He grimaces, growls out a, “Gee I’m sorry, pretty sure I was saving your sorry ass.” in response.

Eren softens then, sits down on the bench beside him and runs his hands through his hair. His voice is quiet this time, and all the anger and aggression have left it, leaving only the fear and guilt the once hid behind.

“I know you were, that’s why I’m so pissed off right now. You can’t risk your neck for me Levi, I’m not worth it! I’m not even anything to you. Why would you do this for me?” He shakes his head back and forth, bites at his lip in thought. Levi knows it wasn’t really the type of question you expect an answer to, but he can’t keep the words from escaping, can’t keep his truth buried in his chest any more.

“Of course you’re something to me. Dammit Eren, you really gonna make me say it?” He moves to sit down beside Eren, takes his right hand in his own smaller ones, runs his thumb over his palm tracing the lines until finally clasping it firmly and lacing his fingers with his own.

“I care about you, a lot. Shit I care about you like I’ve never cared about a dude before and it terrifies me, but not more than the idea of something bad happening to you does. That’s why I couldn’t just sit back and let you get your ass beat that night. I knew it was dangerous, but I couldn’t do nothing and watch the guy I love get bashed by those idiots.” He had expected to confess he cared deeply about him, but he definitely hadn’t intended to use the L word and it surprised both of them when it floated off the tip of his tongue.

They both remained frozen afterwards, seated side by side, hands laced together. Eventually Eren managed to untie his tongue, asked quietly “The guy you love?”

Levi wants to confirm it, wants to tell Eren that he thinks about him every morning when he wakes up and every night before bed. Wants to tell him that he sees his eyes in the frozen lakes, his hair in the forest beside the studio, hears his laugh when the birds sing. He wants to tell him all of that, but Eren’s got a boyfriend and Levi can’t deal with rejection so instead he just blurts out, “Shit.”

Levi lets go of his hand and stands to walk away immediately afterwards. He only makes it a step before Eren is behind him gently grasping his wrist. He doesn’t say anything at first, eventually uttering, “Levi?”

Levi can hear the real question in his name, knows Eren deserves an explanation, but he knows the inevitable rejection will ruin him and he can’t deal with this right now and save his career. He gently pulls his hand out of Eren’s grasp before taking another step forward. He doesn’t turn around, just says, “I have to go to makeup and get this taken care of. I’ll see you later Eren.” before walking out of the room and leaving Eren alone and confused, full of questions with no answer.


	11. Refrain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russia - December

 

Levi’s relieved that the makeup team is able to hide the black eye, but it doesn’t lessen the anxiety that’s crippling him. Honestly, his stress has nothing to do with his injury and everything to do with the fact he let slip to Eren that he’s in love with him. It’s bad enough he fell for a co-worker, but even worse he fell in love with a co-worker who’s moving thousands of miles back to the home he shares with his boyfriend in less than a month. He really should have been able to keep his feelings under wraps, should have had the self-control not to confess because he _knew_ this would happen, he  _knew_ he’d just fuck up their friendship and spend the remainder of their time awkwardly avoiding each other until Eren’s inevitable departure.

Levi had made it years without falling for anyone, had slept with countless guys without letting himself get attached, had survived on his own with no one to rely on but himself. And then this guy shows up after years of not seeing each other and brings with him a rush of memories Levi had tried desperately to bury, the ones of that night together. The thing is Levi never told anyone, but that night with Eren was different - special. He'd managed to be sexy as hell but not a brute - giving and attentive but still able to handle Levi the way he liked. He was dominant in bed but still made sure Levi knew he was the only really in charge. The truth is Levi woke up the next morning and wanted to stay, wanted to let himself believe the whispers they shared and the way Eren ran his hand through his hair and how he muffled his moans against his neck all meant something. He wanted to let himself have it all, but he knew he couldn't. Eren was cocky but he was a good guy and Levi would only ruin things between them, find a way to fuck it all up. Levi wasn't able to give himself to someone, not entirely, and Eren was obviously the type of person who loved with his entire being. So that morning Levi left, knowing full well he was walking away from the closest he'd ever get to finding someone he wanted to be real with. And now he's shown up and brought it all back to the forefront of his mind, and even worse he's strengthened the feelings from all those years ago, brought them back like a rush of cold water to the head, drowning Levi in everything that is Eren. He wants to blame it all on the brat, but he knows it's his fault too, knows he should have kept his distance instead of letting himself get close again. Not like he had a chance really - Eren was like the seeing the Sun after living years underground, and Levi couldn't keep himself from soaking up every ray of warmth he sent his way.

He does his best to sneak into the studio unseen but Lilia might as well have eyes in the back of her head because she stops the rehearsal the moment he steps into the room, brusquely gesturing for the troupe dancers to clear off the floor.

“Levi! You’re twenty minutes late. Don’t think that you can show up whenever you want - I can still replace you up until the moment you dance across that stage on opening night, understood?”

“Yes maam.”

He does his best to put Eren out of his mind, to bury thoughts of anything other than ballet. It helps that Lilia is screaming counts and his troupe is in the scene with him, but the second the others fall away and his solo comes up it all comes pouring back. He misses his entrance by half a count, has to do a fake step to make it up and barely gets to the first jump on time. The next spin sequence is no better, and he’s barely a third through when it all becomes too much, when the waves crash over him and he can’t remember the next step, can’t find his footing, can’t even breath. He falls to the floor in an uncoordinated heap, barely has time to get his hands out to lessen the blow. Lilia is the first beside him, hovering over him like a mother bear protecting her cub. No one else dares to get closer than within a few feet, too fearful of her wrath.

“Levi, do I need to get a doctor? Are you ill?” Her voice has its usual cold edge but Levi can hear the hint of concern that escapes her.

“Just got light headed. I was rushing this morning, probably need to eat something.”

The lie seems to ease some of the tension, but it’s clear to Levi she isn’t wholly convinced.

“I see. It’s not like you to be so careless.”

“Sorry ma’am. Won’t happen again.”

“See to it that it doesn’t. We’ll move on to the next act, you go get yourself together.”

She stands and moves back to her spot at the front of the floor, leaving a confused Levi behind. He struggles to get up and set up his first pose again, tries desperately to show her that he’s ready to perform, but Lilia just waves him away. “Lilia I’m fine I can-”

“Go. Come back when you’re ready.” Her tone leaves no room for discussion, and Levi knows better than to argue when she’s like this. Instead, he swallows his pride and bites out a short, “Yes ma'am.”

She reaches a hand out to stop him as he walks past her on his way out of the studio. It’s an uncharacteristically soft gesture, and it gives Levi pause. She leans towards him subtly, just enough to ensure the others around them can’t hear her next sentence.

“Levi - I mean it. Take your time and deal with whatever it is you really need to. If you come back here like this again I’ll be forced to replace you. There are plenty of people here who want to be Alpha Levi, and you’re the only thing in their way. Is that clear?”

“Crystal.”

“Good.”

She moves her hand back to her side and turns her attention to the troupe, all the softness she showed Levi gone and replaced with icy dominance.

“Everyone, places for the dance of the flowers.”

xXxXxXx

Levi heads to the cafe, knowing it will be empty this time of day. He closes his eyes, tries to take a few deep breaths, to focus on his breathing, to clear his mind. Only instead of seeing the familiar darkness, he sees chocolate brown hair and bright green eyes, instead of hearing his blood pump in his ears he hears Eren’s laugh and their song. He tries a few more times but the vision only becomes more desperate - Eren holding his hand at the ice rink, Eren flirting with him at the bar, Eren playing for him. When he suddenly recalls in vivid detail the look of Eren towering over him in his door room all those years ago it all becomes too much and he gives up on meditating entirely.

He spends the next half hour pacing back and forth, trying and failing time and time again to think of anything and anyone else but Eren consumes him. He knows he should just give in, accept the enormity of the confession he finally let slip only hours before but accepting he loves Eren means he’ll also have to accept that Eren doesn’t love him, and he isn’t sure that’s a pain he can survive. He knows he’d have to accept that because Eren is young and gorgeous, Eren is smart and kind, Eren is brash and charming and everything he isn’t. Even more to the point, Eren is leaving, and even if there was some small chance he felt even a percentage of what Levi feels for him, he’s going back to Trost in a few weeks and there’s nothing Levi can do about it.

His frustrations overwhelm him, and he suddenly feels the need to do something - _anything_ \- to release some of that tension in a tangible way. A swift kick of his right leg into the closest object - a lunch chair - gives him the much needed respite. With his anger temporarily quenched, he moves across the room to pick the chair up from the floor where it finally came to a stop. He leans down, grabs the hard plastic and sets it upright against the closest wall, directly below a window. Levi decides to look out, sees the snow falling gently, thinks maybe taking a walk around the yard would be a good way to clear his mind and get him recentered. Just when he’s about to turn and leave a flash of color catches his eye, and he turns to look back out once again.

There’s a small group of musicians outside that he recognizes, but they’re joined by a young man he doesn’t. The guy is attractive enough, but his face is too long and his hair has a highlight in the middle that went out of style with 90s boy bands. The newcomer turns his attention to someone just beyond Levi’s field of vision but it doesn’t take long for the source of his affection to come into view.

The next few moments feel like an out of body experience, and Levi can only remember the events unfolding as if he was watching them happen to someone else. The first thing that happens is the horse looking dude smiles at the other man as he walks towards him. The next thing he does is put his arm around him and pull him close, nuzzles his face into the other man’s neck. Levi wants nothing more than to remember that the other dude is some other random musician, but there’s nothing he can do to remove the vision of Eren and his perfect smile and the look of love in his eyes, all of which were directed at the other man, the one with his arm around him. The last thing he remembers is seeing the two lean in, and then things get a bit hazy and tinted crimson and he finally knows what red rage feels like.

Levi backs away from the window in disbelief, barely able to grab a hold of the chair and land his ass in it instead of collapsing to the floor. He isn’t sure how long he sat there in stunned silence - minutes, hours - but he’s pulled from the torrent of his mind when Erwin takes a seat beside him.

“You look like you and that chair had a fight and you lost.”

He snaps out of his daze, tries to put on his best put-upon face, his go-to mask of indifference.

“Real funny eyebrows.”

Only Erwin can see right through him - always has - and he doesn't let him off that easy.

“Seriously Levi, what’s going on with you? Lilia told me you passed out at practice today.” Levi doesn't respond, just rolls his eyes and diverts his attention to his hands, picks at his fingers to distract himself.

“This is about Eren, isn’t it?” Levi gives a shrug but makes no other move to acknowledge the one-sided conversation he's being forced into having.

“Look I know what happened was rough but he’s okay, got off easier than you did. His boyfriend even flew out to keep an eye on him so don’t worry about it.” 

Levi does his best not to let his breath catch in his throat, tries to keep his tone casual and disinterested. “So it is his boyfriend.”

“Yeah, Jean. Seems like a nice guy.” 

They stay like that for a few moments - Levi meticulously studying his cuticles while Erwin waits for him to properly engage. When Erwin finally lets out a deep sigh, Levi thinks he's finally gotten him to give up and leave, but instead he pushes forward, asks the question Levi doesn't want to have to answer.

“Levi, you're upset because of what happened to Eren, because you felt guilty right? Nothing else?” His tone is cautious - he wants to be a good friend, but he's also running the ballet and anything getting in the way of that, especially a love affair including his male lead, is trouble for the organization.

“Yeah, you got it. Nothing else.” They both know it's a lie, but Levi's going to do everything he can to make it the truth.

xXxXxXx

Levi goes out of his way to avoid Eren for the rest of the week - he takes his lunch with the other dancers, leaves as soon as rehearsal is over and makes it a point never to be in the locker room alone lest he get cornered again. To his credit, Eren takes the hint and makes a point not to confront him. Not that either of them have time to socialize - opening night is tomorrow and they both have to focus on their roles.

Levi has thrown himself into practice, gone above and beyond to be the best damn Nutcracker Prince he can be. He hasn't told the others, but he's decided this is his last season, and there's no ballet more special to him than this one, no performance he'd rather end his career on. Lilia seems to have taken notice as well, shows her approval by being tougher on him, forcing him to let go of any last inhibitions, give himself fully to the experience.

Eren has done his best to do the same, but it's hard to balance Jean's unexpected visit and the hours of practice he knows he still needs to be ready for tomorrow and the not insignificant fact that Levi is in love with him. Everything is riding on him performing well - his chance to play guitar in the orchestra back home, to make a name for himself and his own talent instead of riding his families coattails. There's also the added pressure of the dancers and their reliance on him and the others to stay on beat, give them the necessary backbone to perform to. They're all in this together now, and he doesn't want to let anyone down - especially Levi. 

Despite both keeping to themselves, Eren can't keep himself from trying to clear the air when he finally catches Levi alone in the hallway. 

 “Levi, can we talk for a minute, please?” 

“I’m sure your boyfriend can help you with whatever you need Eren.”

Levi doesn't even stop walking, lets the words flow out of his mouth as if he were telling him something as benign as the time. The truth is that Levi had rehearsed his response all week to prepare for this exact situation, but Eren sure as hell doesn't need to know that. Levi's almost down the hall and through the doors to freedom when he feels a hand grasp his shoulder firmly to spin him around. The man before his is definitely ERen, but he looks different - wrong. His eyes aren't sparkling and his usually bright smile is replaced with a defeated frown. There are bags under his eyes and his tan skin looks too pale. Concisely, the kid looks like shit, and Levi feels a pang of guilt that maybe he has something to do with it.

“Dammit Levi why are you being like this, I just want to talk to you.” His voice rises at the end, the last words no more than a squeak. Levi can tell the last few days have been hard on Eren, but they've been pretty fucking hard on him too and he can't give in just to make the other guy feel better.

“I don’t know what you mean Eren, I’m not being like anything.” Eren flinches at the words, shakes his head and lets out a dark chuckle. 

“You’re being a petty little child is what you’re being. And honestly I get it - you saved my ass, you told me you loved me, and then my boyfriend shows up out of nowhere - I’d be pissed too. But if you’d give me two fucking minutes of your time, I could explain.”

“There’s nothing to explain Eren. You have a boyfriend, he flew all the way here to be with you when he found out you got jumped, and now he’s going to stay and spend Christmas with you in Russia and when we wrap you’re going to fly home and spend the rest of your lives together. I’m just some guy who missed his chance.”

The confession is no more than a whisper, but Eren hears it. For the first time all week a small smile finds its way back to his face, a light reignited in his heart. He knows Levi still loves him, still wants this, and he isn't going to leave here without laying every last one of his cards on the table.

“Wow man, do you honestly not remember what I told you when I first got here?” Levi makes a noncommittal hum, looks out the window at a passing bird, a swaying tree - anything other than at the man before him. Eren takes his avoidance as a sign to continue, knows he'd leave if he didn't want to be here.

“Jean and I were on the rocks when I moved here. We’ve both been taking time to figure our own issues out, and he’s really made a lot of progress since I’ve been gone. He has worked so hard to be everything I want in a partner, to be a better person. But the thing is, so have I, and I’ve realized that I’m allowed to put myself first. I love Jean, we have so much history, but I’m not in love with him, haven’t been for a long time. I wasn’t ready to admit that before, but I am now. Want to know why?”

And yes, Levi abso-fucking-lutely wants to know why, but he can't say that, can't say anything, doesn't trust himself to speak given his terrible track record of confessing feelings he'd rather keep secret whenever this dude is around. Thankfully Eren can read him like a book, knows his silence is an invitation to continue.

“Because of you, because you made me feel like I mattered - like I was worthy of being happy. That’s why I called and broke up with him. He didn’t fly out to make sure I was okay, he flew out to try and convince me to get back together with him. I broke it off Levi, I finally chose myself.”

The news is enough to finally force Levi to respond. He loves Eren, wants nothing more than to grab him and hold him and take him back to his place to finally finish what they started all those years ago but he also knows that he's built a life with someone else and he can't let him walk away from that for someone as undeserving as himself. Not to mention the loving looks, the smiles, the goddamn kiss - he saw it all just a few days before, and they certainly didn't look broken up to him.

“You broke up with Jean? But I saw you with him in the courtyard. Looked pretty cozy to me." He tries to keep the hurt out of his voice but the jealousy gets the best of him and he bites out the last sentence, the words dripping with venom.

Eren sighs, runs a hand through his hair. He should have known that's what Levi was pissed about, should have cleared this all up days ago but since he didn't, he knows this is his once shot to set it all straight. "He showed up out of nowhere in the middle of practice. I tried to go outside to talk to him alone but a few others followed me all going on about how they wanted to meet the famous boyfriend and he misunderstood, assumed I told them all we were back together. I didn't want to embarrass him in front of them so I waited until they left to make it clear that I was still not interested in being with him. I don't want to go back to what I left behind anymore."

Levi's torn, because okay, the fact Eren was trying to help Jean save face just shows what a good dude he is, but also fuck that guy for showing up where he wasn't wanted, for intruding on their life together. He banishes the thought as quickly as it comes - the truth is that Jean didn't intrude on their life, Levi did, and he doesn't want Eren to through away everything back home for him, couldn't handle the guilt if things didn't work out.

"Eren, you can’t throw your life away like that for me.”

“Look I’m not saying I broke up with Jean for you okay, but I am saying that meeting you again proved to me that I had options, that I didn’t have to settle just because we’ve been together for years and are at the age where everyone expects you to get married. Besides, even if you didn’t want me I would have ended it with him. I couldn't go back to the city and act like things were the same.”

Levi stays quiet, hopes Eren will tell him the words he wants to hear, the ones he said to the other man just days before. Only Eren isn't going to just give this to him, waits patiently for Levi to ask for it instead.

“Why?”

“Easy - it wouldn’t be fair for me to stay with him when I’m in love with someone else.”

He's pretty sure his heart shouldn't be beating this fast and his hands shouldn't shake but the man he loves, the only one he's ever loved is finally here in front of him about to confess back and Levi doesn't know if he can handle hearing those words directed back at him. He tries in vain to stop him, tries to keep him from saying the three words that will change everything because he knows once he hears them he can never go back to a life without it.

“Eren-”

“I love you Levi. I love the way you dance, how you dominate the room with just your presence. I love the way you don’t ever let anyone else see your weaknesses, but you let your walls down for me. I love that you support everyone around you, but I want to be the one to support you. I love that you make me feel like I deserve to be happy just because I'm me - not because of whos son I am or how wealthy I am or how talented - but just because I'm me. I’ve spent my entire life trying to figure out where I belong, to make a name for myself outside of my family, to create a sense of home for myself. And I thought for a long time that Jean was the key to that, but if I’m being honest something was always missing. Now I know what it was.”

Eren pauses, lifts a shaky hand to wipe the tears from Levi's face, the ones he didn't realize had fallen. He's dumbstruck, completely overwhelmed by the foreign emotions pouring over him, the love directed at him. No one has ever treated him this tenderly and his first instinct is to run and hide and stay the fuck away from anyone that could make him feel like this but Eren's palm on his cheek keeps him grounded, reminds him that for the first time he has something to run towards instead of away from.

“It was you, Levi. That night together wasn’t just sex for me, it was the first time I really felt like I was where I was supposed to be. And it wasn’t until the night you danced for me that I finally felt that again with anyone. You know what both of those nights had in common? You. So you can try to deny it, or try to convince me I’m wrong, but nothing is going to change my mind Levi. I love you-you're the person that makes me feel whole, that makes me feel like I’m the best version of myself.”

Levi can't find the words, has never been great at feeling things let alone articulating those emotions, but he hopes that showing Eren how he feels will be enough. He lifts his hand to grasp the one cradling his face, rubs his wrist gentle before nuzzling into the palm. When he moves forward Eren meets him halfway, each of them nervous but excited to finally connect again, to finally align with the other half they know they've been searching for. The kiss isn't hungry and sloppy like their first one, but it's infinitely more powerful. They both say everything they can't in the quiet hmns and subtle movements and gentle tracing of fingers against warm skin. 

It's also infinitely more awkward because it's ended when they hear the click of a camera phone and someone clearing their throat, unhappy to find Nanaba grinning like an idiot at the end of the hall. Levi wants to be mad, but when Eren starts to giggle he can't help the fond smile that creeps across his face, can't keep the sugary sweet feeling that overcomes him whenever he's in the other man's presence from taking control. He's may not be mad, but he's still not happy that she has photographic evidence of something that should belong to only him and Eren, so he gives her a head start before attempting to reclaim it.

"You have five seconds before I remove that photo from your phone."

Her grin quickly flashes to panic and she turns to plead her case with the calmer of the two.

"Eren, come on, help me here."

Eren just smiles sweetly, feeling just as fond and in love as the man in front of him. "I'd get running Nana, he's fast."

She's out the door before either of them can register it, but instead of chasing her Levi decides he has more pressing matters to attend to, like making up for the lost years with the one that he somehow managed to win back. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thanks for making it to the end with me. On this fic, in particular, I had a tough time finding a good stopping point, and I may post an epilogue in the future. But for now, I hope you've all had your Ereri needs met.
> 
> <3 Lo


	12. Backstage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the epilogue got long - like multiple chapters long - and I didn't want to cut it down and feel rush, so here's a chapter to wet your lips - sorry it took so long!
> 
> More to come!

Opening Night- Friday

 

The performers fill into the theater, the buzz of opening night unmistakable. Everyone going through their own pre-show preparation routine, some chatting away casually, others glued to their headphones as they run through their parts. Erwin greets them all as they enter, thanks them for their hard work, wishes them the obligatory “break a leg.” When he’s confident the cast and crew have all arrived and started getting ready, he allows himself a peek at the empty auditorium before it fills with guests.

It’s an old a habit, one he’s done before every opening night since he first bought the company. There’s something about having a moment on stage to himself before the audience arrives, something about leading the group into the unknown, that makes him feel alive, reminds him why he purchased the ballet in the first place. Or at least it should have made him feel that way, only his tradition is disturbed just moments after stepping center stage when he hears a familiar voice rise from the orchestra pit.

“Why Erwin, I didn’t know you were playing the part of the Sugar Plum Fairy!” He looks down to find Hanji standing at the conductor's stand despite the fact no musicians have arrived yet and she is, in fact, here to watch the performance rather than conduct it.

"Hanji, so glad you could make it." Erwin walks down from the stage to meet her, gives her a warm hug, lets himself enjoy the feeling of her in his arms once again, even just briefly.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world Hot Stuff." They separate to a respectful distance once again, both avoiding the inevitable awkwardness that always manifests when they meet after long periods apart.

"Well I really do appreciate you parting with your performers for so long, I'm sure you're eager to get them back but we'll be sad to see them go. They really pulled this together for me."

"What can I say, only the best for you." They’re interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and the first group of musicians begin filing into the pit. “Ah speak of the devil’s, here come a few of my group now. Maybe I could just check in with them, give them a few pointers, make some suggestions-”

Erwin places a hand gently on her shoulder, turns her to face away from the stage and towards the side exit doors. "I think we have it covered Hanji. Shall we head up to my personal box?"

Hanji deflates, but she knows when Erwin sets his mind to something that she’s not going to be able to change his mind. "Lead the way."

They head out into one of the back hallways, following the twisting halls towards Erwin’s private box. They’ve nearly made it to the stairs when a mop of unkempt brown hair she’d recognize anywhere flashes before Hanji. "Oh Eren! Hi honey! Good luck! I mean break a leg."

Eren manages to fight against the flow of cast and crew heading about their business, eventually making his way back to his mentor. "Thanks Hanji, I didn’t think I’d get a chance to see you. Thanks for coming!"

Hanji is about to give Eren a hug and let him go on his way, but she can’t help but notice that one of his hands is preoccupied holding onto someone else’s, someone short enough she didn’t notice him in the crowd at first, someone who is definitely not Jean but familiar nonetheless.

"Oh my goodness, Levi is that you?" Eren’s eyes widen in shock, and he turns to give Levi a questioning look. Levi lets go of his hand, raises his arms up and takes a step backward, slowly slipping away into the crowd once again. "Nope, no one here by that name, you must have me mistaken with-"

"Shut up and give me a proper hug you angry little prima ballerina you!" Hanji is fast - faster than he realized at least - and she has him pinned against her in a bone-crushing hug before he can manage to dodge it. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit pleased to see her - after all, she and Erwin were still married when he bought the ballet and she had been one of his only friends his first few years in Russia. Still, she’s Eren’s boss, and the last thing he wants is to sit around long enough for them to swap stories about him, so he tries to get away as quickly as possible. "Need. Oxygen. I'm gonna be brain dead if you keep squeezing me like that."

"Oh shush, we all know you're a closet softy." He scoffs and gives her his best ‘fuck off’ glare, but he softens when he catches a glance at Eren and the look of fondness that’s fallen over his unfairly attractive face.

"So, you two get to know each other during rehearsals?" Hanji wiggles her eyebrows suggestively like a bad vaudeville act, and it’s all Levi can do to keep himself from calling her one of the thousands of creative insults saved for this particular moment.

"Well, actually we-" only Eren doesn’t get a chance to finish his thought before Levi grabs his arm and leads him away before continuing for both of them.

"- met in the break room and really hit it off. Anyway look at the time, I hear someone calling my name, I think I left the oven on, insert excuse to leave here..." the two men disappear into the mass of half-naked dancers, stagehands and instruments all making their way towards backstage.

They’re nearly out of sight, but Hanji yells after them anyway. "You haven't changed a bit Leelee! Break a leg you two!"

She turns back to Erwin expecting him to be as surprised by the chance encounter as she was. Only he’s got a mischievous glint in his eye that tells her he knows more than he’s letting on. "Well they're quite the pair aren't they?"

He takes her hand, drapes her arm over his as he leads them to the box once again. "You have no idea. Wait until I tell you the real story with those two, heard it from one of the dancers..."

* * *

 

They slip into Levi’s personal dressing room, away from the prying eyes of the others. Eren grabs one of the abandoned chairs off to the side, sits in the corner and runs over his parts in his mind while Levi gets dressed. He lets his eyes close, his hands dance along the ghost of his strings, miming every flourish. He’s barely finished playing through the first movement when he hears Levi pacing back and forth, muttering counts to himself, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. Eren knows he’s watching something special, something private that Levi wouldn’t voluntarily share. It’s only a brief moment of insecurity, but it’s enough for him to realize how nervous Levi is and to take matters into his own hands.

Eren walks to beside where Levi has paused, wraps both arms around his waist and pulls him flush against his chest. He’s lucky Levi’s reflexes are quick, otherwise he might have left the room with a matching black eye. Still, despite nearly getting punched in the face, he refuses to let go, nuzzles his head into the crook of Levi’s neck instead and whispers into his ear.

"You're gonna do great. You will be the fiercest Nutcracker Prince ever to be. Others will tremble before your awesomeness. They'll sing ballads of-"

A sharp jab of Levi’s elbow to his ribs is enough to finally break him free, but he isn’t able to hide the small smile on his face, the twinkle in his eye, the easy rise and fall of his chest now that Eren’s pushed his concerns out of his mind and replaced them with sweet nothings.

"Okay Eren, enough. You really are such an odd dude aren't you?"

Eren just flashes those pearly white teeth before flopping back into his corner seat. "Yeah but I hide it well until I like someone, then they get to see it all."

Levi shoots him a serious look, rubs the back of his head. "Right. So listen, about that Eren..."

A stray ballet flat smacks into his thigh, and he looks up to find Eren staring back at him, one eyebrow lifted in defiance, another shoe clutched in his hand waiting to be tossed.

"Not. Funny. Levi."

Levi can’t keep a straight face, let’s a smirk dance across his features, turn the corner of his mouth up. "I dunno, I thought it was pretty funny."

Eren finally relaxes, but he doesn’t put the shoe down yet, still clutches it in his hand in case he decides Levi needs another physical reminder not to play with his emotions.

"Blow me." The sentence escapes without much thought - a light-hearted retort he hurls at friends all the time. Only within seconds, he realizes his mistake when Levi is swiftly seated in his lap, legs straddling him, the air in the room suddenly thick with anticipation.

"Trust me, I plan to do that and so much more-" He trails one hand through Eren’s hair, lets the other rest on his forearm. There’s no doubt in his mind that Levi is a born star, that he could play any role he wanted and kill it, have everyone in the audience left in stunned silence at his talent and grace. He’s completely in control of the situation and he knows it, has captivated Eren with just the slightest touch. He leans in, lets his mouth hover over Eren’s, inches away from a kiss before dipping to the side and whispering in his ear instead, “but not until after opening weekend. Can't show up sore to a performance.”

He’s up and back on his side of the room before the haze lifts from Eren’s mind and his arms move to hold him in place.

"But we could do other things..." He tries to push the disappointment from his voice, but the words come out more a plea than a proposition.

"Nope, na-ah, not going to happen. Cause once I get my hands on you I'm not going to want to stop, and as much as I hate waiting, I'd hate having to stop before we got to the really good part even more." Levi takes a step towards him again but remains standing on his own two feet. He places the open palm of his hand on Eren’s chest, lets his fingers trace down his pecs lightly, just the hint of a suggestion of more to come. The gesture is chaste, but after months of yearning and the constant teasing it’s enough to get Eren’s thoughts jumbled, his tongue twisted in a knot, fumbling over even the simplest words.  

"Okay that's uh, yeah, right. Let's definitely wait.” He knows Levi’s comments were meant as a gentle tease, a playful incentive. Only the enormity of the situation is suddenly crashing down on him and he realizes that he doesn’t want to rush to the good part - he wants to take his time, pick the man in front of him apart layer by layer until he’s gotten to his core. They rushed head first into this last time and all he had in the morning was an empty bed and a pounding headache. This time he wants things to be different - to matter. He takes a look at the man beside him, runs a gentle hand down the side of his face tenderly, admiring him.

“In fact, I think we need to do this right. No fucking until the third date. Deal?"

Levi rolls his eyes but lets himself lean into the caress. "Tch seriously Eren, you've already been inside me, I don't think that really applies to us."

"Ugh, Levi must you be so crude. Also, that was years ago, I want to think of this as a fresh start for both of us. I want it to be special this time."

Levi takes a step back, puts a few inches of space between them again to look Eren up and down before sighing and giving in. "Yeah yeah okay. Three dates. But I hope you realize I'm not waiting, so you better come up with three dates we can do between now and Monday."

Before Eren can protest the stage manager peaks into the wings, yells out to performers sitting around. "15 minutes to curtain people!"

Eren suddenly realizes that he was supposed to be warming up fifteen minutes ago, too lost in the moment with Levi. "Fuck I have to go down to the pit now. I'll see you after though okay? Meet in our practice room?"

He’s already halfway out the door, pulling on his tuxedo jacket in a rush to get himself together when he glances back towards Levi. The thing is, Eren could have called it the small practice room, or the practice room next to the water fountain, or even practice room 104. But the fact he called it "our" practice room makes Levi’s stomach turn and his mouth form into a smile involuntarily and fuck, this dude really has him wrapped around his finger already.

"Yeah Eren, I'll meet you in our practice room."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! As always feedback is loved and keeps me inspired to contribute to the fandom.
> 
> PLEASE GO GIVE THE ART FOR THIS FIC LOTS OF LOVE.


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